*** this article contains sexual discussions, read with care***
I have an issue with sexuality, I find it hard to enjoy being with a man, and I do not have orgasms. This whole exploration was brought on by my lack of pleasure, I ignored it for a very long time and accepted it as ‘that’s just the way I am’. In fact I only know that I don’t have orgasms because I’ve had about two that I remember in dreams. The dreams were not specifically sexual, but the orgasms then were physical and amazing, I’ll maybe write a separate post about that. So, I spent a lot of years without much real sexual desire or even thoughts, until one day my sensuality found me again. It was the most amazing moment ever, like a fire was lit from my genitals and traveled up my spine and exploded above me, this was a physical feeling. After that I’ve felt the pull of desire and the longing that comes along with it. It forced me to reevaluate a lot of things in my life, and to finally face the problem of my lack of pleasure. It also gave me access to a huge amount of energy, I got up and started running and swimming and drawing. I felt more alive than ever; like I had finally woken up and felt what being a woman is about.
So, in my quest to feel pleasure I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching, it has been bigger than I could have ever imagined, very hard at times, and still ongoing. I remember when I was about 18 I started doing some introspection work, and that was more or less when the night terrors began (refer to post ‘my own fear’). I wasn’t ready to face them then, and maybe I’ll be ready to face them now. More about that later, oh I have so much to say.
Anyway writing about this is kind of difficult for me, even thinking about this is difficult is like my head suddenly fills with cotton and I can’t think. So, I’m starting with the easy part and hope to move on to more difficult subjects later. I’ll start with the physical issues of why I haven’t enjoyed sex too much over the years.
I have some small health problems, no more than aches and pains really, not enough to even warrant a visit to the doctor, or to prevent me from living my usual life. However, I recently noted, that these small things are leaking energy out of me, I am always beyond tired, I sleep and sleep and never feel refreshed. Honestly, I’ve just always thought that I’m a lazy person. So first of all I will try to address these things and overcome them hoping to become healthier and have more energy. So, here’s what this post is about, small health issues that have gone ignored for too long and how to try to heal them.
I’ve had some pain in my lowerback since I started driving, now I don’t drive a car anymore but the pain is still there. It is not an awful lot of pain, but it does make me get tired very fast, and often I just want to go lie down and not move too much. Exercise such as running, and yoga really helps relive the pain. Before I would do one yoga session and the pain would be gone for a few days, now it takes a few yoga sessions but I get rid of it, forget about it, stop doing yoga and it comes back. I went to see a physical therapist some years ago, he treated me with heat and ultrasound and massages and the symptoms got better for a little while. He said my back is overarched and my posture doesn’t help the problem so my muscles stress and cramp. It’s funny that I know what the cure is for this and yet I keep on just living with it. So, here’s a new purpose, do at least 10 minutes of yoga everyday this month, and sit up straight while I’m in front of my computer.
Another small annoyance is the chronic indigestion. It is so chronic that I thought that after eating it is just normal to always be bloated and gassy. It’s very uncomfortable I get very bloated (my stomach expands 2 or sometimes 3 inches!); and I get very painful and embarrassing gas. So after eating I am usually very very sleepy and can’t function properly for a few hours. Again, this is not so awful that it puts me completely out, but it’s a leak of energy. Let me tell you, this is not sexy at all, I feel very unattractive when I’m so bloated and often constipated. So, recently I took an allergy test looking for something else, and discovered that I have a sensitivity to wheat. A sensitivity is not fully an allergy that will cause anaphylactic shock, it just means that it is something that I can’t digest well. This was a few months ago, but given my love of bread, pasta and beer I was in denial and simply ignored it. Recently I decided to give it a try, cut wheat out of my diet for a couple of weeks and see what would happen. The results were almost immediate and incredible, I lost about an inch of waist in two or three days. Allergies cause your body to release fluid in the affected areas, I guess my body was just realeasing a lot of fluid around my stomach and intestines. In the past, no matter how hard I worked out I was never able to get rid of my belly. Also, my sneezing went away and what I thought were pimples in my face dissppeared, it was a minor rash (not really noticeable, just uncomfortable). This week I’m back to eating wheat and not feeling as great, I bought some wheat products and I feel bad about throwing them out so I’ll eat them and then not buy anymore. Living without wheat is going to be a learning process, and some things I just can’t give up, like beer, but I’ll try to cut back as much as possible and only eat it when I’m not at home and there is no other choice. I need to find ‘quick foods’ to make to take to work since eating sandwiches and wraps seems to be out of the scope for now.
Then there are the tense shoulders, neck and jaw. Sometimes I wake up during the night because they hurt since they are so stressed. Sometimes I feel like the stressed muscles don’t let me get into an upright position since they are so cramped and tight. The best solution for the back muscles, so far is to go swimming and do some yoga. Note: I haven’t gone swimming or running in over 5 months. I still don’t have a solution for the tight jaw of the teeth grinding during my sleep (I chipped a molar recently…).
Another small problem is a persistent pain in the left side of my face, it’s a small spot about the size of a pea located between my nose and my upper teeth. I’ve gone to see dentists and nose doctors, I’ve gotten x-rays done of this and no one can tell me what it is. Everything comes out normal in the scans so doctors don’t take it seriously, they just give me a round of antibiotics and dismiss it. This pain has been going on for three years now. I really don’t know how to fix this one. So, I’ll focus on the other ones and get back to it later.
Then there are the bone aches, and the feeling that my veins are getting hard. This only happens sometimes when I’m very tired (once or twice per week); but it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. Like there is pain inside my bones, and my joints get stiff and I feel like blood is not flowing properly. Again, exercise really gets rid of this one. Luckily, where I live now, I have to bike everywhere so I get at least 30 mins of light exercise almost everyday so this has improved. It’s still there, today my bones hurt. It’s not a lot, it’s not awful, but it is debilitating, I just want to stay in bed all day instead of enjoying the sun outside.
So, you see, none of it is very serious, none of it is life threatening, but it sucks energy out of my day. Writing it out helps to see it more concretely and makes me realize I need to take action. So my resolutions for now are to reduce wheat intake as much as possible and do yoga at least 10 minutes a day. That should be manageable. And, how is this related to having orgasms? It’s about starting to feel sexy and energetic. There is no inclination for any kind of sexual activity if I’m bloated, constipated and my back aches. So this is a start.