A moment of Crisis

It’s 1 am, I’ve stared at my computer today all day, I haven’t managed to get any work done. I have nothing to present at the meeting tomorrow. I know it matters, and I care, I do, but I just can’t do it.
I need to send an email, the document is ready, I just have to send the email and apologize for missing the deadline. I can’t, I just can’t, I despair…
I often get blocked like this with work. I sit down and I stare at my screen, for hours, and get nothing done. I read and re-read the same paragraph and don’t get any meaning out of it. I feel I’m late for everything, failing at everything. This has been going on for quite a while, and I’ve had entire ‘lost’ weeks. Weeks, not even days, weeks. I feel like a fraud, or a thief for taking my paycheck when I know I’ve been spacing out.
I’d like to get things done, I don’t enjoy this spacing out. I feel awful about this. Yet, I am blocked, I am right now in the frame of mind where I can’t think about what I have to do. When I do start I will regret all the lost time. I start to be afraid I might lose my job.
When I do try to start, I get this overwhelmingly sleepy feeling, it’s like a fog, I can’t avoid it, I can’t even hold a proper conversation. I can’t think or even move a lot. I don’t understand why, my job is not something strange, mostly some programming, writing and thinking. Nothing daunting or scary about it. And yet, I can’t, I’m panicking.
When I’m not spacing out, when I’m in my zone, I’m actually very good at my job. So far, it’s been enough to get by on, but this causes me a lot of stress. I only reach the zone, if at all, at the very last moment, and I never know if it will work or not.
I’ll give myself a break and admit that I’ve had a fever, on top of bruises and swelling from that bike accident, for the past two days. I had doctor’s leave yesterday, but today I should have worked. I had fever and sweats all day, I didn’t do anything. I think I’m still feverish.
Considering whether to try and do a marathon effort right now, or just give up and cancel my meeting tomorrow. Maybe I’ll get some inspiration in the next few minutes. I look at my program and I don’t understand it, it works, it’s ready, but I can’t possibly make sense out of it right now to try to explain it tomorrow.
I despair, I see this is the root of a lot of stress in my body. I just want to be able to get my job done in the appropriate hours to do it. I can’t focus, I don’t know how, I don’t remember what all these symbols mean. It’s like someone else did it. Where am I?, where is the me that wrote this program?
What is wrong with me? maybe I ought to just quit, but I decided some time ago to not make life changing decision in a moment of crisis. This is a moment of crisis, once more. It is cramped muscles, painful joints, droopy eyes…depression in its ever threatening choking embrace…
I need help with this, don’t know who to turn to…


Injury predisposition and yoga?

This weekend I had a bicycle accident which could have been serious but thankfully wasn’t. However I seem to have bruised all my usual ‘trouble’ areas during my Ashtanga yoga practice.
The accident was completely unrelated to yoga, I was riding my bicycle along a street when someone in a parked car suddenly opened the door and I attempted to ride my bike through it. I hit the door, flew over the car door and landed on the pavement. Luckily the car coming on the other side and the one behind me had enough time to break and didn’t run me over.
I walked out in good shape considering what it was. However, I bruised exactly the areas I always feel tender during practice, namely my right knee and shin, my right quad, and my right shoulder (I hit the door of the car with it). So, all my familiar little aches, are now very real aches. I didn’t even scratch my hands however, even though I used them to prevent my helmet-less face/head from falling into the pavement. My hands landed smoothly and evenly in the pavement in a sort of push up (chaturanga?) position, didn’t even feel it on the wrists, and did a nice shock absorbing job.
Perhaps I am over thinking it, but I believe that the areas that I did hurt, were hurt because they are tight, and already had a predisposition to injury. They were not able to just flow along, be soft on impact, and fall gracefully like the other parts which reacted very well.
Here I was trying to ignore the possibility that it is yoga that is being hard on those joints. Now, I think that it is my body which has tightness and weak areas and yoga is just showing them to me.
Either way, the pain I feel now seems familiar, I think a few months ago I always had inflammation in both my knees. I didn’t even notice that my knees are less puffy with fluid lately ( I didn’t even realize that my knees ‘were’ puffy with fluid some time ago, until I see the right one now). No wonder padmasana was beginning to feel less uncomfortable lately. Anyway I’ll take a few days off of Ashtanga asana practice, but I still want to wake up and dedicate that time, I’ll try to do some prana-yama.
Overall I am glad of how my body handled the situation, and I say my body because there was no thought process involved, it happened too fast. Instead of resisting the shock and plastering myself to the open car door I took the momentum and jumped/flew off the bike, and then landed semi-nicely on my hands. I also landed on my right knee, which is now hurting and a bit swollen, but seems to be healing OK. I think if I weren’t doing yoga, it would have been like olden times when every bit of stress caused my whole body to spasm and cramp painfully. The fall could have been much much worst. And the whiplash would have made my entire back and head hurt for days. Once more, a big thanks to Ashtanga, to the practice itself, to myself for having the dedication to get to the mat, and to the teachers who share the knowledge. I believe that Ashtanga has once more saved my life.

Soul Call

What are the signs of a soul call? I am learning to identify them through a situation I am in right now.
I believe I am experiencing a very strong soul call. It took me completely by surprise and it is irresistible and almost intoxicating. Just like the person issuing it. It is a guy I don’t know too well, I’ve only talked to him a handful of times. During every conversation we’ve had I felt a deep connection to him, and his questions left me thinking for days. I believe I have the same effect on him, as he was quoting things I said to him more than a year ago.

He is a strange individual, extremely charismatic, handsome and charming, men want to be like him, women want to be with him. I’ve always taken care of not getting too close to him, as people like that are like a trap for empathic sensitive people like me. He had a rough time this past year, fell in love, had a failed relationship, lost two jobs, in all he’s been reevaluating his life and has gone through severe depressions. I’ve only seen him two or three times this year, and that has been enough for him to set his mark into my awareness. I’ve been analyzing the situation, and trying to detach myself from it to be objective. At a point I thought I’ve been falling in love with him, but I just know that although I feel strongly, that is not really the case. I don’t even know him. It is hard sometimes for an empath to separate my own feelings from those of others, to even know the difference. He is in love (with his last girlfriend), and I feel his deep love as if it were mine. And it hurts.

These are the reasons why I feel I am experiencing a soul call from him:
1. I have not had too much contact with him, but in the little contact we had we talked and shared rather intense and personal conversations.
2. After seeing him only twice in the past three weeks, I can’t stop thinking about him. In an obsessive sort of way. He seems to be always on my mind, in a way not characteristic of my own thought patterns. I believe I am hearing his thought patterns and taking them on (not uncommon for me as an empath).
3. I’ve been dreaming about him, about what he needs to overcome his crisis, about being together with him, about how I can help him.
4. I can feel people, and he feels like an open wound, looking for answers, comfort, anything to soothe the hurt.
5. At random times during the day he pops into my mind, like an unexpected visitor, tugging at me for attention.
6. I had a ‘vision’ of him. Sometimes, usually when people ask me to read them, but sometimes unrequested, I can ‘see’ or feel a person’s spirit or essence. It doesn’t tend to happen if the person does not want to show it. I saw into his mind, and the beautiful expanse of the sky that is his being, a fascinating starlit night.
7. He relates himself to the figure of a phoenix that burned out, which has some meaning for me, not easy to explain just now.
8. I feel I’ve always known him, although in reality I haven’t had a lot of contact with him.

So for all these reasons, and that extra ‘je ne sais quoi’, that other sense of ‘knowingness’; I believe he has issued a soul call to me. His soul recognizes that I could help him (which is true), and it is reaching out to me. His conscious self though, isn’t really looking for me. I asked him to come do sports with me (which is mostly what I do in my free time with my friends), and he never replied to my message. I would leave it at that, but I feel a constant tugging at my awareness. Like an invisible hand always tapping my shoulder asking me to look over. I don’t really know what to do, this obsessive thinking is taking a lot of my energy, and yet, his waking self does not respond to me. I would help him, but he needs to come to me. So here my answer to the soul call:

‘Come to me and allow me to take care of you. I will help you. I know how, I’ve seen it. I’ve lived it. Come to me, and let me touch your soul. I know how to help you heal yourself. I cannot do it for you, but I can soothe the way. Come to me, my door is open to you. But, if you will not come to me, freely, willingly, sincerely, and without games, then let me be. Cease your calling, get out of my awareness, respect the privacy of my dreams, and may you find your peace somewhere else.’

I’ve been repeating that every night, it seems to help diminish the obsessive though patterns, there are gaps in my awareness of him throughout the day. It is all I can do for now, I reached out to him, extended an invitation (in actual real life), he has to answer it. I cannot, and don’t want to, chase after him, I also know that it would not serve him if I do that. I’ve extended my hand out to him, it is up to him to grab it.
I’m baffled and exhausted, If anyone has any experience with this sort of thing I will appreciate some advice.