Does the cracker exist?

I feel like I’m loosing my grip on reality, I often very seriously doubt whether I’m awake or dreaming. Usually if I’m dreaming I can fly and that’s how I know I’m dreaming. Only, now I have a new ‘no jumping out of windows’ policy in dreams, just in the off chance that I’m actually awake.

**Watch out for sexual discussion ahead**

I’ve lost time again, I don’t remember if I actually had intercourse with someone or if it was a dream….This is serious…it’s not just another forgotten conversation.  I don’t feel like I can ask him, it would be very awkward either way. What happened was we finally lured the boy into our apartment with promises of home cooked food  (note: he’s actually my age, but in our thoughts he’s called ‘the boy’). The boy came over and we had an awkward evening, things happened and then we went to sleep together on my single bed. I don’t know if I had a very sexy dream or if we really did have some more sexy time then. In any case I have the feeling that we enjoyed it more than the first ‘awake’ time. I feel like I need to emphasize that this is a real warm-blooded-flesh-and-bone boy, as opposed to being imaginary (which also happens).

I’m sad I can’t remember more of it, all I remember was that I was enjoying myself and then I thought ‘ohh this is going to be one of those moments that I won’t be sure of in the morning but it is real now’. Again, this is a sensory memory, those are the only words attached to it, other than that it’s just nice impressions of smooth skin, caressing, a lot of breathing, warmth, and a molten-caramel like feeling where we were joined together. There was no release as usual, but also the feeling that release wasn’t really necessary as long as the caramel-like warmth could continue.  It was very sweet really. I’ve never enjoyed sex like that in my waking hours, in fact I don’t really enjoy it. What’s more,  earlier that night with the boy  I enjoyed the closeness, his smell, his skin and the manly presence but not the actual act so much. It’s a pity if it did happen and I don’t remember, it’s also a pity if it didn’t happen. Probably it was just wishful thinking…sigh…

We decided we won’t be seeing the boy again, for a number of unimportant reasons, but the body does like the boy. It’s rare for the body to like a boy, so it’s a pity it won’t work out. The boy told me he’s in love with someone else. So that’s that.

Another disturbing thing that happened to me, was when I was doing some rope trainings for the caves. The rope techniques require a lot of thinking as you go up, down, sideways, sometimes up and down at the same time, change ropes, and change carabines using a series of knots and friction devices. It get’s complicated. So we were enjoying dangling from one rope to the next for some 40 minutes when something very disturbing happened. We had to cross an inverted umbrella rope, it’s when a rope hangs between two carabines with some slack in between so it looks like an upside down umbrella. To do that you have to go down, pull on the rope, and then go up, and then down…. So I was going down, I stopped myself, and I completely forgot the knot I had to make to secure myself before pulling some rope and going up. I’ve done that knot many many times, and as I was dangling some 15 feet off the ground I completely forgot it. I had to reason out what the best way to secure myself would be instead of actually knowing how to do it. I actually found a  better way that is more stable, but I was so disappointed at my mind for abandoning me at a time like that.

So, maybe I just imagined that there was a cracker, but it never really existed…or did it?