More on Fear: Letting go

We are having trouble letting go of the past, it doesn’t feel like it’s really the past.  I feel it in my stomach, as usual, having trouble letting go means having trouble with bowel movements. Constipation. One more step to go, I have to tell the man who loves me that the viking has found us. He will not understand. He will hurt, we continue to break his heart, we would bear all the heartbreak ourselves if only it would spare him. Time and time again we’ve stabbed him and he continues to stand tall in his love for us. We wish we had that same ability to love as he has, love despite difficulty, love despite distance, love despite myself. In a selfish sort of way, we want to keep that love, it is a beautiful to thing to be loved so purely. We love  him and we don’t want him at the same time. We know now that we must let go, we must let him go. It hurts. It hurts less when we think of the viking, and then I feel guilty for having someone to help with the hurt, and I know that the man has no one. He will do it alone, as he always does, he will get up in the morning and go to work. He will do his work no matter what and then lose himself in video games. Hopefully his friends will take him out to parties. I wish I could help him with the hurt, but I can’t, I am causing the hurt. I wish it could have worked between us, we are just not physically right for each other. Even knowing it as clearly as I see it now, it doesn’t make the hurt any less. Our families will be sad, my parents will also be hurt and concerned. They don’t know the viking, he is a foreigner, he is different, they will fear he will keep me in the north; I fear I’ll stay in the north away from my family. Is it possible to let go of family when you know you are hurting them?

I seem to hurt everyone who loves me, for some reason they still love me, they don’t see the despicable being that I am. They feel hurt and they don’t see that it’s me doing the hurting. It happens eventually with everyone I know. Why must I hurt everyone I love?


The viking

So many things to write about, I miss writing, why don’t I write?

We’ve met a spirit, a viking spirit in the body of a sexy sexy northern viking. He found us when we were simply being, we were at a midsummer´s festival, we had found a gymnastics ribbon and we were remembering how much we liked it when we were little. We remembered almost immediately how to play with it and we remembered a part of ourselves that was lost. We were simply being and dancing by ourselves in the middle of crowd, enjoying watching the twirl of energy as it lifts up the ribbon, enjoying the music and enjoying the atmosphere. Simply being. Memories half lost to conscious memory as there was no continuous stream of thought. We were simply being.  That’s when the viking found us, he was not afraid of the whipping ribbon, he’s a martial artist he saw it as a dance of avoiding the weapon while maintaining contact. And then he got close to us, at first we tried to chase him away we were having so much fun with the ribbon, but he was so graceful at dancing with me and the ribbon, just following the energy and simply being. We simply were. Together. The perfect moment. He found us. We are rejoiced to have found the warrior again. We know now that the letter we sent last year wishing for love was in reality a wish to find the viking. And he found us when we were simply being. He smells incredibly nice, I wish he didn’t wear deodorant, his smell is intoxicating.

The witch selling the absynthe at the festival looked me in the eye and predicted ‘fiiiire and passion’. Fire and passion, passion and fire, intoxicating passion it was. The vixen came out, the vixen had sex with the viking, (on the second night we met him, not on the first), it was like coming home at last. The vixen joined him and tried to speak his language, the vixen didn’t let us get in the way of joining bodies with the viking. It was as it should have been.

Our viking is hurt somehow, hurt in spirit, is having trouble adapting to living. He is different and the structure of society is not made for someone who perceives in a different way, he says he’s been diagnosed with aspergers. Our viking has found the art of peaceful fighting/flowing as he becomes an aikido master. Our viking has found his femenine side, he is an expression of emotion. So much emotion that it hurts, our cold day selves are attracted to so much emotion and at the same time seek to reject it.

The viking took us, he kept going when we asked him to stop and that pleased us. If we would have asked again he would have stopped, we told him beforehand not to stop when we told him to. It is a dangerous game we play. Viking is  a man, a man bursting with emotion, a man when he wants to be. A boy when he when he conforms to the role society has given him. Viking is also a healer, his healing touch has made the ache in our shoulder go away. His healing touch is bringing fear to the foreground, but the Viking knows about fear of the mind, his own mind tortures him so. The viking knows to create a space where fear can be expressed. We´ve very much enjoyed seeing the viking again, sex has been good, painful still, but we feel like we could enjoy it, we can heal now that we’ve found the viking.

We are afraid of so much emotion. We are afraid we do not know how to understand his mind, we do not know why it is bruised, it didn’t use to be so. We are afraid to hurt him, we hurt everyone we love. We are ourselves broken. I am now calling the viking my boyfriend, things have moved really fast, but when spirits come together to simply be, there is nothing to think about or decide. It simply is. I am trying not to stand in the way of it. We rejoice that we have found the viking again, we do not know what will happen with our other man, the one that loves us so much. We love him but now it is clear that union is happening with the viking.

We think we should write about the sexual experience with this northern spirit, but we are shutting down, getting sleepy and painful shoulders.

Still walls to tear down before we find true unity. The divinity in me recognizes the divinity in him, may all walls come down and may we join as one. It is as it should be. We rejoice that the viking has found us.