I have recently started practicing Tummo, based on a book called ‘The Bliss of Inner Fire’ by Lama Yeshe. I do this after practicing Wim Hof breathing intermmittently for a few months. Meaning, I had already gotten started with the practices.
I have the need to write about my experiences. More as a personal log than as a poetic entry. I am not feeling very inspired to write, but I am writing nonetheless. Let’s see if this time I manage to keep it up.
Since I started reading the book, about three weeks ago (Inner fire on August 18th 2017), I have been practicing a part of the meditations three to five times a week.
I have also had a number of dream experiences which may or may not be related to the breathing meditations. My feeling is that they are indeed related.
I have a need to write a log about this, though I don’t feel like writing too much at the moment.
The first night that I read the book I fell asleep pondering about the mystery of the void. During those days I was attending a shiatsu seminar. Exploring the concepts of empty and full in perceptions of a patient’s body was part of the training. As I ‘slept’ I felt as though I fell into a void. I was still myself, and my body was still somewhat my body. All around me was full of nothing. I was floating in the nothing, and it was neither good nor bad. I was not conscious as I am in my waking hours, but I was not asleep as usual either. I wasn’t thinking, I only know that I wasn’t thinking because two or three times, I came out of it and had the thought ‘wow, I’m floating in a void without thinking’. I also had the feeling that it was hard to come out of it. In the morning I when I woke up to turn off my alarm I felt like I was in the middle of a very deep sleep. I usually have lots of dreams, so this dream, a conscious absence of thought or dreams was very unusual for me.
Another night I fell asleep while reading the book once more. That night I was reading about the representation of unity through the divine lovers, Heruka and his consort (clearly the book was written by a man). The book invites the reader to imagine herself as both male and female during intercourse, the joining of their energies represents unity. I had an amount of erotic feelings throughout the night, I could even say I had several orgasms. They were pulsing and subtle, delicious, continued, but there wasn’t a definitive climax; and therefore no definitive end to the pleasure. I woke up feeling like I had just met a new lover I was excited about.
I tend to practice about 5 to 10 minutes of concentration on the small A (as described in the book) after my usual yoga session in the morning. I also practice a ‘lighter’ more peaceful version at night before sleeping. It’s very effective to warm up my toes. I no longer suffer from permanently cold feet. Now they are only cold sometimes, but once I start breathing they warm up.
Several days went by when I just did the breathing without any extraordinary thing happening. I was a bit disappointed. When I started with a different breathing method in February (Wim Hof breathing), I was having some form of experience of ‘otherness’ almost every time.
The visualization of the small A is hard to keep in my mind. I tend to bring it to my forehead, as I am too much of a thinking floating head intellect. But I’m getting better at seeing/feeling it in my belly. I tend to see it as a black little metallic piece, it’s taken form on its own after a few sessions. At first it was a flat thing, suddenly it became 3-D (of course), the bottom was a cone, and the moon was a bowl, the circle became a sphere, and the upper line is like a cable. The whole structure resembles a satellite dish. I have trouble imagining it as a red or orange ember, rather it is a piece of black metal that begins to have tinges of color as I ‘blow’ on it with my breath. Similar to when coal begins to warm up in a barbecue. At some point the cone became a pyramid, and the breathing and concentration immediately improved. There was a moment when I started ‘feeling’ the small a in my belly rather than just visualizing it. At this point it became fleshy-metal-ish, as if the tiny metal small a is embedded in a folds of pink-orange flesh.
The first moment when I felt it was very joyful, so joyful that I broke out in a loud laughter. I just wanted to continue and continue laughing. I attempted to keep the meditation going and laugh ‘inside’. The ‘fleshy’ feeling inside is tied to the ‘ovarian palace’ as it is called in the Tao. It was a lot of fun.
Sept 9/ 2017
I went on a camping trip, slept on a tent outside. The weather outside must have been around 13C. I slept without socks (since my socks got wet and couln’t find my sleeping socks). Did a little bit of breathing before going to sleep, I was so tired from the day’s hike, I fell asleep quickly. I was suprisingly warm and cozy alone in my tent. Slept very very well. I woke up dreaming about my last lover, we were lying in the ground and he was holding me very tightly. He was convincing me to give it another try, (what he wants is not a relationship though, he wants to just meet about twice a month and have sex). This is someone I don’t want to go back to, despite great physical desire and emotional feelings for him. He doesn’t want to get involved, he doesn’t know respect, I am better off without him. I have decided this time and time again, but the feelings persist…sigh…
Last night I dreamt that I was flying, and demonstrating this flying to sceptics. They could not deny what was in front of them. I have had, in my life many dreams about flying, but this one went on for longer, and I learned some finger positions to aid in the flying. They require joining the index fingers and the thumbs of both hands. Placing the hands over the head, or over the belly had different effects, and helped to keep the levitation going, or to point towards a certain direction. Flying in dreams has always been a pleasant experience. Today, by chance, I saw a video on youtube about tibetan monks who levitate.
Last night I also dreamt about my lost love, I went back to the place where I left him, and I called him and looked for him and couldn’t find him. I woke up disheartened, and didn’t do yoga, didn’t go to work, didn’t do meditation, didn’t do anything all day except eat and sleep and waste time. Every time my heart starts to warm up I feel this deep sorrow I carry over my lost love. There is regret, and there is also compassion for myself of four years ago. I just didn’t know how to continue, and he expected me to tell him how to solve our problems. I just didn’t know how. Now it’s too late. My heart bleeds. It was numb, every time it wakes up it bleeds again. I will trust that this is part of the process that Lama Yeshe describes as the ‘melting of the heart chakra’. I feel immense love for him, and I feel like I will never love again like that, that I will never be loved again like that. As if I lost my chance in life for true love.
Today I haven’t had the strength to practice again, perhaps before bed. Need to find one of these monks who knows about ‘dream yoga’ as Lama Yeshe calls it.