Cheese off the cracker

I have lost my ability to work with numbers and abstract concepts. They have stopped making sense, I’ve spent the past few days trying and trying to work through some formulations for a project I’m working on and I just can’t understand what I’m doing. I used to understand it, it really made sense at some point not so long ago; today I couldn’t even come up with a basic line formula. A co-worker was helping me out, it was embarrassing, I was completely blank, I hope he won’t tell on me to our boss…I’m in trouble if I don’t get my number ability back up and running ASAP. Is there a way to re-boot the brain?

The number brain is the most obvious one, but others are also gone, my accent changed again, and I have trouble writing proper letters. I’m freaking out. I don’t know who this is that’s out now, blocking everyone else; it’s a disconcerting feeling, like I don’t know myself. I am more or less used to that but I can switch for enough time to get work done. It’s not happening now, I don’t know why. We need the one that can work at this new job that we have now, we are happy to have this job, we are finally in a good financial position and we actually like what we do when we can understand it.

How can I have written a program and now I can’t understand it? I have to go and re learn the programming language every time I want to do something else with it. I am suffering, I can’t keep spacing out like this, people are starting to notice.

On the other hand the drawings are improving noticeably, but drawings don’t pay the rent. The drawings are also starting to freak me out, I draw faces everywhere; so suddenly I open a notebook or a drawer and there are a lot of half faces staring at me. So, this must be the artist who is out. As much as I enjoy drawing I really don’t have time for this right now. The artist is a spacy one, and what’s worst the artist is a ‘he’; and ‘he’ likes women. Eeeeewww. We do NOT want to touch a woman, that is icky, the body most definitely does not like the smell of women….we let him look at them but that is the limit, we are NOT kissing one, we never have and we are not about to start now. Besides there is a certain young man we have our eye on, and we are pretty sure it’s mutual.

Ok, I have an idea, what we can do for the artist is sit down for a proper drawing session; maybe there is something he needs to draw. He did not like our little ‘womanhood’ manifesto, he disagrees, he wants to go back to being a boy, he doesn’t understand why there is nothing hanging in between our legs. The artist remembers when he died unfairly in a war, he remembers his manly parts, I can feel them sometimes in dreams; the ghost of a memory. He needs to understand that we are simply not a boy and we do not like girls. Our body is not turned on by the smell of girls, it is turned on by the smell of certain men. But we digress…we were talking about numbers here…

Where did my numbers go? I want them back…years of studying deleted in a couple of weeks…not cool. I’m starting to get angry here, I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, I can’t blow it all now because the ‘artist’ needs to express some wishy washy melancholy feeling about not having boy parts. F—ck that! He really has fun playing with the girl parts though…

So I’m starting to understand that this is about sexuality, I think I maybe just need to explore my sexuality, but I’m not up for any complicated relationship issues. I hope the very shy certain young man will get overhimself soon and realize that we need to get down to business. And f—ck Sol who is still pining over her lost relationship, it’s over Sol, it’s not coming back, the body has decided.

So, numbers, come back will ya?…maybe this is it…I’ve lost it…the cheese has finally slid off my cracker…

7 thoughts on “Cheese off the cracker

  1. Hey Luna Sol,

    I can relate to much of what you have written and the feeling like you have finally gone crazy.

    I have a joke. “I used to worry about going insane. But hey it is not that bad.”

    I use this joke to take the edge off. It is hard and it is “bad” it is not going insane.

    I experience the numbers going away. I can not follow my own work. Over time I have established what I call a hiericy of my brain shutting down. Numbers are on the list and the most “profound” and easiest to identify. The last part of my brain to go “offline” is my homing instinct. I might not know where my home is right now in reality. I always know where I want to ‘go” right before I “clunk” Clunk means I just drop right where I stand. Sometimes I can know the clunk is coming and get home sometimes I really do just crawl off in the woods and clunk.

    Drawing can both cause my brain to start shutting down and bring it back. It depends and it is always a guess. For reasons unknown I can only draw in the winter. If I draw in the summer I clunk right where I am.

    From what you have written my guess is you are processing your brain is changing and it is worn out hence the numbers going away. Other parts of you brain are online and want to stay online and are not interested in “going away” again.

    As a practical matter with the drawing I do not try to force that part of my brain to be like it is not. Say you can draw from this time to this time and that is it. Not going to work for me. I do two things. One is to have everything read to draw. paint, sculpt what ever. I do not have others go get supplies as they will mess it up. It is OK if it gets messed up as long as those that draw mess it up.

    “what we can do for the artist is sit down for a proper drawing session;” Again guessing what you need to do is understand you have no idea what a proper drawing session is and need to get out of the way to find out.

    The second thing I do is about place. It really helps for others to choose the place to draw. having others set up a place for others to draw does not work. Think a child who wants to play with the paper and boxes before the presents. Which is their natural order.

    Those that draw and such do get satiated. Thing is they more likely get worn out.

    We had to reverse things in that the drawing/expressing had to come first. We do work for money only so we can do the work of expressing. This is a hard dynamic as when we are in the working for money mode it takes over. It is easier to deal with than the expressing.

    i have also experienced the going back to past lives which it seems you are doing with the boy who was killed in the war. I used to see it as messing up and going back to far. I have come to understand I have things that need to be processed in past lives and to date it has been about death. Or rather death has been involved.

    To be clear I understand I do not understand. I am only relating bits and pieces that I could relate to. I am in no way trying to minimize or normalize what you have expressed in your writing. I sometimes discount that my writing when seemingly very confused is part of the work.

    Another thing I watch for is treating others of my like they are used to being treated usually with anger. It is dicey as they in a way are comfortable in what they know even thought they do not like it.

    I also do not listen to others explanation or solutions as they do not understand. I discover my own. That being said the most helpful thing I have discovered is getting sun and water. The water thing takes on all sorts of forms from showers to swimming in the ocean. For some reason I can not take what the water has to offer without enough sun.

    It is complicated is it not?

    • Hello Michael,
      As usual, I´ve been mulling over your replies here, and I really appreciate your insights. I´ve been trying to get unstuck, and back into ´working mode´ and I´ve managed to at least get some work done at a snail slow pace. Better than nothing. I do agree that the most important thing in life is not my paying job, however, right now it is such a challenge that it is helping me grow as a person, and that is also part of ´the work´. The money also doesn´t bother me (smile).
      The artist is still lurking around trying to do I don´t know what, I think you´re right that I can´t force the situation, inspiration comes when it does. Usually at inconvenient times, like at the office, or late at night when I should be sleeping. I´ve also been avoiding the blogging and the reading blogs these past few days. I think that unconsicously I´m trying to put a lid on whatever emotional process is going on and stuff it back in pandora´s box. Blogging is all emotional for me, even reading about other people´s emotions is emotional for me as it awakens some sort of feeling, empathy? compassion maybe? I want to think its something positive.
      So, I must be close to something, hopefully its something I can deal with at the same time that I manage my waking life. I had already written half a response for this post, and I don´t remember when I closed a window and erased it…I must have been onto something. I was telling you that when I read your reply I thought ´I don´t clunk out, it´s not quite so extreme´. Then, a couple of days later I found myself almost unable to stay awake at a particular moment, it is more than sleepiness, it is my brain shutting down. Then I was trying to remember other occasions when this has happened, and of course there are many. Of most notice is when I started my failed relationship, I would always fall asleep in the middle of parties, or gatherings with him. Even when I was rested, this didn’t use to be the case everytime. Then I remember falling asleep during a bad argument with him a few years later. Going back further I remember a time of my life when I´d get this lethargy at around 5 or 6, right when night is about to fall. This is also happening to me now. Almost everyday, I either shut down, or I get a bad stomach ache. I don´t know what this time means, I don´t think I´m afraid of the dark, but rather that there is a switch at those hours, some are only night people. I´ve also been feeling stressed that I can´t work at night because I have other activities after 6, and I think that the night people might be able to get some more work done. This is very interesting. Also, I´ve made a very good discovery to avoid or try to step back from the shut down, it doesn’t always work, but sometimes is better than never. I make myself yawn, really yawn, whole body yawns, once they start they keep coming in rows of 6 or 7 at a time, I feel much better after that. Sometimes I can’t make myself yawn so I stick to deep breathing for a few minutes.
      Anyhow, thank you for your answers, even if I’m bad at replying I read and I think things over,
      Luna Sol

      • The falling asleep is amazing to me. I swear that I could be on a motorcycle and go to sleep sometimes.

        The having to relearn everything each time is a big part of it for me. It is on the wane. I have a recent example:

        My alternator in my car died. This changed the clock in my car. I was at the pool signing in and looked at the time. I was supposed to be in a another town an hour away at 5:30 and it was 5:00. Now this is no problem. Before I would have had to unlearn that we did not go swimming. Reality is I would have to explain to others what happened often not knowing what happened myself. Now it is not a problem. This example is somewhat subtle.

        Sometimes it helps to think in terms of transitions. It is not really a transition thing it just works.

  2. ” Is there a way to re-boot the brain?”

    Hi Luna Sol, it sounds stressful to need the work to pay the rent, plus it is a new job, plus there is an attraction to a co-worker, and I sense that all of this could add to a feeling of pressure to perform. I’m wondering if re-booting the brain might have something to do with sleep, ‘recharging the batteries’ so to speak. Otherwise, perhaps just mentally taking the pressure off, somehow. Making things seem less important. Like Michael was saying about reversing the priorities of drawing/expressing vs. work for money.
    I’m just building up to it at present. (Work, that is.) I found that last year, my head was all over the place, and yet somehow it didn’t matter as much to those I worked for, as it did matter to me. Not sure what your work environment is like. I hope it is supportive!

    Ps. the first bit of cheese to fall off my cracker seems to be language. Always brings that song to mind, “no more i love you’s, language is leaving me…. in silence.”

    Big hug.

    • Hey Jessie,
      I think you´re very intuitive in a way, yes there´s been too much unnecessary stress lately. I decided to drop one project I was working on at my job, I put it off until later, under normal circumstances it would have been ok, but these days without my intelligence cooperating it’s just too much. So, yes, I am re prioritizing, in all areas, not just work, although work is a big part. I realize I always put myself in stressful situations when there isn’t really a need for that. However, I’ve also been thinking, that I rather do like going to work, I have a flexible schedule and I can work from home if I want to, but I usually do go to the office. That means I like it, and that makes me feel good, in a way I see this work as part of the process of getting to know myself. Perhaps in a couple of years once I´ve gotten to know all the ins and outs it might get boring, but now it is really a challenge because there is a lot to learn. The mes that like learning are coming back, it seems. Also this memory hiatus that reached a critical peak over the past couple of weeks forced me to ask for help from my supervisor; and he really did help me –even if maybe now he thinks I am a bit slow. I think he figured out that something other than lack of knowledge is going on when I said that a negative number is greater than zero (yes, my lapses have been THAT bad). It is very hard for me to ask for help, so it is good to know that he came around and actually helped me push the project along. It really sucks that usually this would be easy for me, but that’s just the way things are right now, and all I can do is damage control until things settle down again in my brain.
      I also think that rebooting the brain can come from sleeping a lot, but the shutting down can also cause me to be enlessly sleepy without really rebooting. Sometimes I’m shutting down and I am too tired to sleep, or so tired that I sleep and sleep and I don’t rest, it goes both ways depending on the time.
      Thanks for your answer and the hug, and sorry for not replying sooner, I’ve been avoiding blogland lately and I’m not sure why.
      Hugs to you too,
      Luna Sol

      P.S: Iris also wanted to sign the email so,

      • Hey there Luna Sol, (and hugs to Iris,)

        No worries about late replies. : )

        The trouble you’ve described with numbers, it reminds me so much of my experience going to work last year. Thankfully I didn’t have to deal with numbers much. I did have problems writing. I would cross a name out five times before I would get it right, and I’m supposed to be good at spelling, right? I wonder if it is due to pressure, or if there is something fundamentally different about my brain since I last did this sort of work over 15 years ago. Or if it something that has only become a problem since the PTSD (terror) outbreak about 5 years ago. Or if I overdid it with the left brain intense studying for about three or four years. I’m starting to think that it is directly related to processing traumatic memories. Or perhaps, “all of the above.”

        I found it difficult dealing with the feeling that my boss thought I was slow, especially since I couldn’t understand why I was not thinking how I would like to think. It’s no fun being aware that my own brain is not doing what I know it could before. Thinking things through was like looking at a page of text in my mind, that was magnified so that the page was enormous and could not be taken in at a glance, and I could only see in a kind of ‘zoom’ mode, really close up. Very very slow to take it all in. Sometimes I could not read at all. Sometimes I couldn’t understand spoken words.

        Sounds like your supervisor is helpful and shows some understanding. I hope that is the case for you. : ) And it sounds like you’ve reduced some stress. It’s great hearing that your work is flexible, and that you enjoy going in to work. And it is nice to have the extra money, isn’t it. I am seeing that blogland is by nature a place where people come and go. So, all the best in your adventures out there. Thinking of you. And appreciating the time we have had ‘talking’ so far. : )

        All the best,

  3. Hey again Luna Sol,

    I have been thinking of this and working on it myself in a minor way. This is how it is working for me now and I think there has been an aspect of it all along.

    I hang with artists. They accept that before they start a piece or a performance that they will get the feeling they do not know how to do it. That is what has been happening with me. What is different now this feeling is more with me and makes the leap to being able to do abstract things take longer. It is not that I get more scared now rather it takes longer. It for some reason is much worse when numbers are involved. I am going with I always had to relearn I am just aware of it now and it takes longer.

    That being said I have always got confused with things from the past. I can get in a car I own and have no idea why it is an automatic. That sort of thing. It can be I have to figure out how my own car works.

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