A couple of months ago, I wrote about a confrontation, I was doing ‘exorcisms’ in dreams, names were called upon, strength was drawn, fears were conquered. I ‘won’. And now I see how silly it all was.
All along it was a fight against myself, against my own fears. All along I knew it was against myself, and all along I thought it was against something external, some demon plaguing my sleep, night after night, year after year. Both things were true, I made it external since I needed to experience fear, in order to experience the getting over fear and finding courage. Finding myself really.
It was all so silly, and not completely necessary, there was an easy way, I took the hard way. I could have just recognized the strength in me and so many sleepless nights, knotted muscles, clenched teeth, could have been avoided. The point is moot, it happened and it didn’t. There were those who were ‘external’ there, they did mean to cause fear, and perhaps harm at some point, but they were not the cause of the struggle and the strife. It was all me, and I knew it, but I didn’t think it so. I was the source and the solution of it all along. It was like Dorothy finding out that she had the power to go home all along but she needed to face the witch before she could know it.
Silly, and now I recognize ‘them’ and thank them, for making me face myself. I didn’t really want to cause so much fear to my own soul, I couldn’t on my own, they helped out. They are the Unnamed, the shadow in the corner of your sight, the presence in the dark, the whisper in the mind, they are me and I am them, and yet we think we are separate.
It was all an illusion of my own self, so silly to be tormented for so long, by my own mind, by my own design. Silly, silly…crucial, but silly.
I am healing now. Looking up. Rising from the abyss.