The pointless struggle

A couple of months ago, I wrote about a confrontation, I was doing ‘exorcisms’ in dreams, names were called upon, strength was drawn, fears were conquered. I ‘won’. And now I see how silly it all was.

All along it was a fight against myself, against my own fears. All along I knew it was against myself, and all along I thought it was against something external, some demon plaguing my sleep, night after night, year after year. Both things were true, I made it external since I needed to experience fear, in order to experience the getting over fear and finding courage. Finding myself really.
It was all so silly, and not completely necessary, there was an easy way, I took the hard way. I could have just recognized the strength in me and so many sleepless nights, knotted muscles, clenched teeth, could have been avoided. The point is moot, it happened and it didn’t. There were those who were ‘external’ there, they did mean to cause fear, and perhaps harm at some point, but they were not the cause of the struggle and the strife. It was all me, and I knew it, but I didn’t think it so. I was the source and the solution of it all along. It was like Dorothy finding out that she had the power to go home all along but she needed to face the witch before she could know it.
Silly, and now I recognize ‘them’ and thank them, for making me face myself. I didn’t really want to cause so much fear to my own soul, I couldn’t on my own, they helped out. They are the Unnamed, the shadow in the corner of your sight, the presence in the dark, the whisper in the mind, they are me and I am them, and yet we think we are separate.
It was all an illusion of my own self, so silly to be tormented for so long, by my own mind, by my own design. Silly, silly…crucial, but silly.

I am healing now. Looking up. Rising from the abyss.

Finding Wonder

Go for your dreams! never give up! find your passion! Break free from the system! This is what our culture today makes us strive for, and somehow if you have a but stable desk job, it’s like you’re failing at life. We look up to these ‘heroic’ characters who quit their job to start writing/traveling/painting/etc… But what about the silent office heroes? what about the hardworking parents who go to the office day in and day out to provide a better life for their children? what about those who just want to have a job that pays the bills? is that ‘wrong’? 

I have a desk job, it pays well, it is interesting at times, very boring at other times. I had to study many years to get here, degrees, standard examinations, languages, I did it all. Now I have my nice stable job, where I sit 8-10 hours in front of a computer every weekday (flexing my feet under the desk of course). On occasion I have to work weekends or holidays, but only on occasion. I have schedules and deadlines, meetings, appointments, and reports to hand in. I am evaluated every six months on my performance, I get graded.  When I walk out of the office I forget all about my job and hang out with friends, do yoga, speleo, write, etc… I’m glad I have this job, it is stable, pays the bills and if I were smart enough I could even save money. This job is not my passion, I chose it, and I like it, I’m proud to be here, but it is just a job.

Here is a crazy idea: what if…just what if…I decide to find the wonder in the deadlines, the meetings the appointments and the reports? What if I stick to my desk job and do all those things with openness of heart, and interest to do it well. What if I make a project out of finding wonder at my desk job?


Enjoy the ordinary, enjoy the routine, day in and day out of the same stable thing. What if I learn proper sitting posture so that my body will be strong enough to sit without pain for long work hours? what if I find myself absorbed in that report due tomorrow?

Just do your job, gladly every day, be glad to have enough health to be able to work, be glad to have a job, truly glad, be glad to go to the meetings, be glad to reach the deadline. Share a few laughs with the colleagues at the coffee break. Sit down again and enjoy the peaceful concentration of hours of mental work. Then, leave the office, and do all the other things you call ‘passion’ knowing that you are a reliable person, someone with values and work ethic. Someone who can enjoy things even when they don’t like to to them. Someone who will have your own back.

Here I’m deciding to find wonder in the routine, passion in the ordinary, love in the mundane.