I am disjointed, I believe I am split in myself because of several reasons which I will list now. I have not been properly diagnosed by anyone, but the thing is, I am very manipulative I can get any results I look for in a psychological exam. So, it is up to me to find out what is going on with me. Ok, so to the point, these are pointers of how I’ve found out that I’m split. First the easy things to write, I change a lot from one situation to another. It is not just mood swings, I change in my opinions, I change in how I dress, I change my accent, I change my handwriting, even my values shift. I’ve always thought that I am a very forgetful person, and I’ve just overlooked how forgetful I am. I fail to remember things I did when I was very concentrated on something, I fail to remember people I met, places I went to. The easiest to explain are films, I may have watched a film, enjoyed it and understood it but then I am completely incapable of remembering what happened in it. The same thing happens with books. I have a mathematical self that is very number smart, with this self we understand abstract concepts easily, we can program, we can see shapes in patterns of numbers, and we can remember many things. When this self is gone, I look at the programs that I wrote, the problems that I solved, and I have no idea how I did it or what any of it means. I remember when I did it, I remember what I was thinking when I did it, it just fails to continue to make sense. This is getting very critical, I need to be mathematical everyday, I need me for my new job. Except the whiz kid doesn’t decide to show up everyday, in fact, in the past couple of months it’s only been there like twice. I spend most of my time drooling in my desk, and then do all my work in a few glorious hours of inspiration. Those hours have been enough to fool people so far, but the pressure is mounting and the deadlines are coming. I need my number intelligence to be with me at work when I am there.
Another self draws faces, when I am not being this self I can’t draw a stick figure. Luckily I don’t need this person all the time, so when the artist shows up the artist is welcome to use the expensive paper that the artist bought and try to make it worthwhile. When I can draw it’s like I understand figures and depth and their representation on a flat paper. It’s like the image is already in the paper just waiting to be portrayed.
Another self is sporty, this self has recently gotten us into caving, caving is dangerous. This self doesn’t understand why we can’t do more with our bodies, sometimes it pushes too much and then I hurt. This self does not appear regularly either, so there is no chance to really build up the body that it needs for all it thinks it can do. We went to our first cave this Sunday and it was amazing. We really liked it, despite it being everything we usually dislike, cold, dark, wet, and risky. We crossed pitches, we climbed a waterfall, we remember climbing the second waterfall but we don’t remember climbing the first waterfall. We had to really concentrate to keep our footing, concentration me doesn’t seem to remember to put things into ‘the stream’ of thought that makes memories appear like continous bits of film. We had to work together to get through that cave, and I think that is one of the keys to joining myself up a little bit.
One self is in love, the emotional self loves a fantastic man. The sensory self does not love this fantastic man. That is a problem.
People around me have noticed this, my friends a few years ago even had a different name for my ‘party’ person since it is such a radical change from my daily person.
Another pointer here has been the languages deal. I think in different languages depending on what self is doing what. Languages come easily to me, sometimes. Right now I’m learning a new language, a language that I never thought I would study, and it feels more like remembering than learning. It’s an odd sensation, most of what I learn feels like I already knew it but I had forgotten it.
My posture also changes dramatically from one person to the other. Sometimes I don’t know how to stand up straight, it feels unnatural, and other times it’s like it’s the only way to stand and why have I been crouching all day….
So I am split, we are many, we are legion. I can’t write about all of us right now. I don’t know if what I really need to do is to integrate, I’d be ok with having more cooperation. The creative and intellectual are really needed right now. I hereby issue an official call for them, the situation is getting desperate.
I’ve always been like this as far as I can remember, so I thought that everyone was like this, and this was the ‘normal’ way of being. I begin to understand that not everyone is like this (I still secretly think that they are, they just don’t know it). They are all true, it’s not deceit when I am being shy and quiet sometimes, and then I’m being the life of a party at other times. Both things are true even if they are opposites.