stop complaining

stop complaining, stop complaining, the positive one in me want me to stop complaining, but if I complain here I can keep it out of my daily life. Most people who know me think i´m a very positive person.

What´s the line between expressing and complaining? what’s the line between keeping quiet and repressing?

so many contradictions, it feels so hopeless. I just want to go home, seriously homesick….


6 pm

I have a ´difficult´ hour almost everyday. Usually it´s 6 pm, but sometimes it can hit as early as 3 pm. I don´t know why, but I get depressed and very negative about everything. Really my whole view of things changes, any problem I´m having seems enormous and impossible. I hate everyone around me, I curse at everything. I feel so sorry for myself at that hour. Obviously I can´t focus on work or get anything useful done. I come home and I stuff myself with chips, muffins, cheese, anything, until I feel better. It tends to pass by 7.30 to 8.00. Then I just have a stomachache from eating junk.

At the ´hard hour´ I feel like I can´t anymore, my body shuts down and I feel exhausted and completely out of energy. I start falling asleep in unlikely places (my desk, the bus, a cafe, even driving a bike I feel groggy). I remember this hour being like this even in my teenage years. So, it´s been going on for a while.

For a while there I´ve tried to experiment with food, and eating a lighter lunch makes it go by better, but it´s still there. I thought maybe I just go low on sugar, but eating sugar doesn´t really fix it either and then the sugar crash makes it worst. I think there might be something to experimenting with different lunch foods, or eating just an energy snack (like nuts and banans) instead of lunch.

I have no idea why this hour is so difficult for me. It feels so black. I´m just starting to recognize that this is a hard hour, today when it hit I recognized it and thought to myself, ‘ok, it’ll get better, I just have to wait it out’. Then I came home and stuffed my face with everything I could find.

Ideas of why it´s so bad are:

-Night is falling….the only problem with this is that I LIKE night time, I am usually most awake and creative at night (from qround 9 onwards).

– Sugar or stomach digestive issues. This might be true, but I feel like there’s an underlying emotional cause, since the distress is majorly emotional.

– A switch is going on, between personalities and I’m mourning switching….it’s not very obvious if that’s it. I have noticed that my ‘night’ person is different from my ‘day’ person.

That´s all I can come up with. Other than that I don´t remember anything in my past that might have made this hour frightful. Maybe it is just food related. If I ever get a grip on my eating habits I´ll experiment with different foods.

I don´t know what to make of this, I´m acknowledging it and let´s see what happens

Sexual Energy and the Tao

In taoism, there is a breathing practice to activate and guide the sexual energies. There are several exercises, but the gist of if is to breathe in tightening the pelvic floor muscles, in order to make the sexual energy ‘rise’. The next step is to try to ‘feel’ it in the heart and transform it into love and compassion, and then breathe out. I like it that, for them, abstinence is not about ignoring and rejecting the sexual energy as something evil, but rather about using it to transform and grow. They really try to teach about how to deal with it, instead of just rejecting it, or burning it away. I don’t know if it really works, but it seems harmless enough and it’s worth a try. Certainly safer than going boy crazy and trying to find strangers to have sex with.

I’ve gotten to the ‘activation’ part, but then I get too restless and simply masturbate to get rid of it. Never gotten to the ‘transforming’ part. It really activates with that type of breathing, and then I feel like it’s a fire that’s out of control and is going to burn me if I don’t do something about it. I’ve only tried it in earnest once or twice. Maybe I’ll give it another try and see what happens.

Dealing with sexual energy is about acknowledging that I am a sexual individual, that sexuality is beautiful and it is not something bad and twisted (more remnants of my too catholic upbringing). In my upbringing, anything sexual outside of sex with the purpose of making babies during marriage, is seen as a ‘sin’. Something to be cleansed, purified and simply erased, you must ‘repent’ feel ‘guilty and ashamed’  and confess to a batty old priest and ask him for forgiveness. I see how this is wrong, but I’ve been brainwashed into thinking that it is true. I’m not even talking about actual having sex, I’m talking about feeling aroused.

So, here is to embracing my sexuality and my desire. Yes, I feel aroused, I think about sex and I am a sexual creature. It’s beautiful, it’s powerful…now let’s try and learn how to use all that power….


More on quests

*discussion about sex and masturbation*

state of affairs:

– Still waking up on time, I seem to have conquered this one. 🙂

– More or less exercising, not on regular weekdays but I’ve been decently active on weekends.

-Food. Still an issue.

– Self-abstinence (ie no porn or masturbation): still going and very boring.

With the waking up on time, automatically, my sleep patterns are getting more regular. I go to bed earlier and sleep deeper than before. This means that I need less hours of sleep to properly rest. I don’t feel like I need to sleep 12 or 13 hours a night to be fully fresh and awake, like I did before. I am getting by fairly well on 7 to 8 hours a night. I also realized that I was only resting on nights when I knew there would be no alarm the next day. So rest was only happening on Friday and Saturday evenings. No wonder I’ve been so exhausted for the past few weeks/months/years…. So, I still wake up at night from grinding my teeth and I still wake up with clenched shoulders and neck. But I am resting better now, almost every night, not just on weekends. I have more energy, I actually want to go out and do things. This is good.

The no masturbation quest is in appearance boring. I’ve been busy so it’s been easy to keep to it. However, I do start to feel the restlessness of the sexual energies. My head is full of thoughts of men, like little fleeting images, where I imagine a mans hands touching me. Kissing a man, remembering the last time I was with a man. Touching a man, smelling a man, feeling a man. I’ll be writing something and suddenly there’s a little intruding thought of penises. My way of ‘getting a grip’ on these thoughts is to just go at it and masturbate and then they calm down for a few days. The dangerous thing about this is that I get very flirty around men, I don’t want to do that, I work mostly with men and I really don’t want to flirt with ‘them’. It’s automatic, however, I do it without thinking, an extra smile, a little flutter of eyelashes….laughing with one to make the other ones jealous. It’s gross, I don’t want to do this, and the worst thing is, that I don’t want anything with any of them, it’s just their masculine energy that calls to my body. This is what I was afraid of with not masturbating. I just don’t know how to deal with all this sexual energy. It’s distracting as well, makes it hard to focus on something when I’m thinking about sex all the time. It’s really a longing that I don’t want to have. I like the sexual energy, it makes me feel alive, but I don’t like the longing and the acting like a teenager.

I’ve talked to friends of mine, and they say that they either have a man to satisfy it, or they burn it through exercise. I don’t see any of those as alternatives, because neither of them is about ‘dealing’ with the sexual energy, they are about burning it out. I don’t want to burn it out, I like having it around. Similarly, for me, being with a man is not satisfying, since I do not have orgasms, and have trouble feeling pleasure during sex. Masturbating, is a little bit more satisfying, since there is no pressure from someone else, and I know exactly what I like (why are men so clumsy?, it’s not sooo complicated). However, even through masturbation I never achieve true orgasms, I reach some sort of climax, but none of the ‘signs of orgasm’ such as involuntary contractions, or speeding up of the heart. In short, no release. It’s still relaxing, I even feel the bones in my lower back release and the pain goes away for a little while.

Hhhmmm, there was a lot to say about this after all. In short, I’m getting restless, I long for the touch of a man, but there aren’t too many men that I’d really like to get touched by. Usually, once it does happen, it’s a very disappointing experience, almost seems like it’s not worth it. Maybe I expect too much out of men….**sigh, it’s all pointless**