On being a woman

This post is meant to be read listening to

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nne4IUw6HpY

I´ve been thinking a lot about this lately, partly inspired by a discussion I was having with a friend from another blog (http://ptsdnofearinlove.wordpress.com/). What it means to be a woman is a relevant topic in my life since I am trying to find and enjoy my sexuality.

At first I thought that I am feminine because I carry myself the way society thinks a woman should carry herself. I have long hair, I wear makeup, dangly earrings, dresses and flowy skirts, I have a pink laptop case, I enjoy mixing and matching clothes, doing my nails, etc…cliché…All of that is very nice, and it´s ok to do it, it´s what I´ve picked as my image to society. However, it is only that, an image, it is not what makes me feminine or a woman.

So, what does it mean to be a woman? Is it the curve of my hips, the suppleness of my breasts, the softness of my skin, the wave in my hair?  Or is it the empty space between my legs? ….that´s part of it, it´s the physical part of it, but it´s still not what being a woman really means.  Being a woman is a physical thing, at heart I am a spirit, but the physical aspect of womanhood shapes how I live my life and how I feel my world.

Being a woman is about a cycle of water, ever changing currents of water that shape my day to day life.  It´s a physical cycle that starts and ends in blood every month, blood as the physical representation of the water of life that keeps me alive. First, it’s a physical cycle that carries with it the possibility of harboring life, and the ever present reminder of the bloody death of potential.  It is also so much more than the physical cycle, it shapes the tides of desire and creativity that swell up inside me.  People often ask why women are so inconstant in their mood, and yet, they would not call the rise and ebb of tidal currents inconstant. It is misunderstanding of the nature of cyclic living that causes so much conflict. Past cultures have honored and respected a woman’s blood cycle, but we’ve forgotten everything it means.

Being a woman is about water, and how that water builds up pressure inside the physical and the ethereal  bodies  in cyclical patterns. Water under pressure will seek relief; walled water will slowly erode at its constraining walls. Water is soft and adapting, ever changing in shape to fill the background that contains her, but resilient enough in its path to carve canyons out of the hardest rock. Failing to acknowledge the water cycle is what creates instability. My water is seeking relief, relief through tears, relief through desire, relief through pleasure, relief through creativity.  Being a woman is about making space to accommodate water, being ready expand to receive it and hold it when it comes, being able to guide it when it grows, and just flowing with it when it cascades.  Being a woman is about knowing that next month you have to do it all over again. Being a woman is about rythm and strength in softness.

At least now I am closer to my water, I feel its pressure inside me, its potential for creativity. There was a time when I was dry, and that is a sad thing for a woman, nothing can grow without water. Now the tides threaten to overwhelm me and drown me.  The tides have no release, I often dream about water, great swells of water that want to overtake me, clean water, dirty water, stagnant water, water pushing against the dam that restrains it. I feel the tears behind my eyes, and yet cannot cry. I feel desire like never before, and yet cannot feel pleasure. I am afraid of what else will come out with the water once I let it out…If I don’t let it out it will spill on its own anyway. I’m bursting at the seams; water will be my undoing if I don’t learn to respect its cycle.

I am a woman, by the curve of my hips, by the suppleness of my breasts, by the blood between my legs, by the unshed tears, by the unfulfilled pleasure, by the cycle of living and dying every month. I am a woman.

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