7 Reasons for Pain During Sex

Sex should not hurt. Period. I repeat: sex should not hurt.

So then, why does it hurt?

This is part of a series I’m writing in search of expanding my sexuality towards the vaginal orgasm. These posts can be found in the category ‘Opening the Flower’.

I will post here what I have observed through my own experiences and talks with other women. I hope that this can be of use to some women and couples out there who experience problems during sex. It is not an exhaustive list, and in fact, if you know more reasons please feel free to comment.

  1. Not enough lubrication. Wetness is essential for any penetration to feel pleasurable, or at least not hurt.
    • There are many reasons for lack of lubrication, but the most common one (in a healthy woman) is lack of physical desire. Here I stress the difference between psychological and physical desire. A woman will produce lubrication when she is physically aroused. Lack of lubrication denotes lack of physical readiness to engage in coitus. A woman can indeed be psychologically willing to have sex, but the body and the mind can go in different directions sometimes.
    • Another reason for lack of lubrication can be the use of hormonal birth control. Look it up, it is listed as a side-effect of most hormonal contraceptives.
    • Possible solutions:
      • Breast massage: In my experience the work with the breast massage (see my previous post) is helping to reconnect my psychological self with my sensual body aspects. I think it is a good way to work towards feeling physical excitation without the need to go for penetration right away.
      • External lubrication: always better to use natural substances such as coconut or almond oil (note: oils may debilitate latex, so take care to use a different kind of lubricant if you are with a partner and need to wear condoms). It is a good resource to get over the fear of ‘will I be wet enough’, but in the long term it is better to work with other techniques to draw out a woman’s nectar.
  2.  Vaginal infections: plenty of information out there on this one, so make sure to get a check-up with your doctor. Some infections do not present very noticeable symptoms, so it is worth it to get a check up regularly just to rule this one out.
  3. Swollen/irritated colon: this one I haven’t read about anywhere, but I’ve come to this conclusion after much self observation.  I thought that the pain I felt during penetration was in the vagina itself, because the whole area was swollen and affected with liquid. Now, I’ve stopped eating gluten and drinking alcohol for a month, the pain is more localized and I realize that what hurts is my colon when it is ‘bumped’ during sex. When you read about pain during intercourse, all the resources say that the vaginal walls do not have too many nerves and should not hurt. However, I knew, I felt, that my pain was coming from inside. I was just too disconnected from my body to know that it was really my intestine that is hurting. It also hurts when I do other things such as running, cycling, standing for too long…..
  4. Constipation: this one is directly related to number 3. A colon that is full will be hard and inflexible, when there is penetration in the vagina or a lot of movement in the area it will be uncomfortable and/or painful. The intestine is deeply linked to the body’s nervous system, therefore swelling of the intestine, can cause other nerve related issues such as widespread muscle/back/joint or even head aches. I believe that other symptoms such as brainfog and fibromyalgia might be related to intestinal problems. Again, this is from self observation and a lot of trial and error.
  5. Neurological level: here I talk about the nervous system, and therefore the body as a whole. When there is a specific stress in one part of the body, be it injury, infection, irritation, etc… The nervous system fires up stress signals to the brain, this also causes pain, and an inflammatory response. An injury in one place can cause referred pain in another place. In my case, I think that a chronic digestive problem is wreaking havoc on my nervous system. Lack of sleep, or poor quality of sleep,  can also cause the nervous system to fire up, and affect physiological processes.
  6. Posture: I talk here about general walking/sitting and sleeping posture, not just posture during intercourse. How you hold yourself can restrict blood flow to the sexual organs, and cause muscle contractions. I have noticed that generally women (and men also) who have sexual difficulties walk a bit hinged forward at the hips. This causes the lower back muscles to contract, the pelvis to tilt, and the lower ab muscles to bulge forward. This posture is usually accompanied by a pot belly that won’t go away even if the person is slim.
  7. Core and pelvic floor weakness: a weak pelvic floor will probably also be the culprit of lower back pain, bulging belly, urinary incontinence and some other symptoms. Strengthening the pelvic floor can go a long way to helping improve posture, lubrication and overall pleasure during sex. But, more than that it is essential for good balance and health. I’ll talk a lot more about this later on, but kegel exercises, and even better, jade egg exercises can make a big difference in a short amount of time.

That’s all for now. It’s always necessary to check with a doctor, of course, but if you’re like me you already did that several times and it didn’t help. It is up to us to learn what is going on inside our own bodies. I hope this helps.






Loving Myself: Breast Massage

A woman’s breasts are a wonderful source of joy.  If you want to love a woman’s body, love her breasts first. If you want to love your own body, love your breasts first.

This is part of a series I’m writing in search of expanding my sexuality towards the vaginal orgasm. These posts can be found in the category ‘Opening the Flower’.

In order to gain sensitivity in my body I have started to re-acknowledge my breasts. I’ve started with this about three weeks ago and have loved my breasts two or three times per week.

I thought that I had a good relationship with my breasts, but I realize now that I’ve been ignoring them. I just take them for granted, they are there and that’s that.

Practical exercise:

  • Massage breasts in a circular motion 100 times in one direction, and 100 times in the other direction. Smile at every turn.
  • Once nipples pop out, gently, and I repeat, gently, grab them between the thumb and index finger and turn them as if you’re turning the volume up and down with a knob. GENTLY. Repeat 100 times on each nipple. Keep smiling!

My experience with it:

I have medium sized breasts…ok..ok..they are on the small-to-medium range. I’m a b cup, they are not too big, but enough to grab.

As I started doing this I realized my breasts are sometimes kind of hard to the touch. They feel swollen and tender, touching them was a bit uncomfortable during the first 30 turns or so. There are also some hard nodules inside  them. I got a bit worried and checked with a doctor, everything is ok, they are just fibrous-type breasts. For some reason smiling at the same time felt a bit forced.

After a while, some kind of tension released and I started feeling rather happy. Smiling came easily then.  Also the nodules started dissipating, kind of like when a muscle releases trigger points. This gave me even more happiness. My nipples started surfacing more often also, they were laying kind of flat, and almost inside my breasts. Touching them was at first kind of painful, so I softly grabbed them in between my fingers and started gently turning around them. The happiness meter increased once more. I could also almost swear that my breasts have grown a bit in size since I started this.

I would recommend every woman to massage her breasts regularly. There have been nights when I’ve not been feeling up to the other exercises in my training (more on that later), so I just dedicate myself to the breast massage.

I also started feeling the connection between my breasts and my vagina. After 200 turns water definitely starts to flow, it is shy water at first, like a flower slightly misted by the morning dew.



Sexual Training 2016

I haven’t yet had an orgasm with a man, not even a vaginal orgasm through stimulation. I plan to write a series of posts in relation to this topic. I am doing extensive research on the matter (both intellectual and experimental), and I want to make it available and accessible to other women who might experience a similar situation. So, join me on my quest for the vaginal orgasm.

So, my new year’s resolution is this: how can I, as a woman, learn to take my pleasure from sexual relationships with any healthy man, regardless of how much experience or know-how he might have?

This is the beginning of a sexual exploration on my part. I recently had a lover who reminded me of my sexual-sensual nature. He woke me up out of a stupor, the brief relationship didn’t work out, but I’m grateful that it happened. It was the best sex I’ve ever had in my life, he is all power and energy. He’s also quite experienced and really took the lead. I learned a lot from him in the few weeks that we were together. I still didn’t reach orgasm with him, but I enjoyed his body so much. More than anything I enjoyed MY body so much. I was already enjoying my sensuality before it all happened. I attracted him as I was being sensual with myself. So, even though it is over with him, I know that this potential is in me.

So far, I’ve been waiting for a man who knows how to DO IT RIGHT. There are very few men who really know about women, sex, or even their own body. But, what about learning how I, myself, can do it right?

The truth is that for years I have had a lot of trouble enjoying sexual relationships. At some point it even became some kind of torture as I was in a very loving relationship and I forced myself to have sex with him even though I didn’t want to. It’s painful to even think about it, I hurt us both in the end more than I helped us.  I have made a lot of excuses for it. I have for a long time thought that ‘there is something wrong with me’; or my body just can’t enjoy sex, or that my vagina is insensitive, or men are just clumsy, or my belly aches, my head aches, etc… While all these reasons might have some truth to them, they end now. I am taking matters into my own hands.

Here something I wrote about understanding my own femininity:

‘I am a woman.

Being a woman is about a cycle of water, ever changing currents of water that shape my day to day life.  It´s a physical cycle that starts and ends in blood every month, blood as the physical representation of the water of life that keeps me alive. First, it’s a physical cycle that carries with it the possibility of harboring life, and the ever present reminder of the bloody death of potential. ‘

This is a part of a previous post- click here to read the whole post.