Sex should not hurt. Period. I repeat: sex should not hurt.
So then, why does it hurt?
This is part of a series I’m writing in search of expanding my sexuality towards the vaginal orgasm. These posts can be found in the category ‘Opening the Flower’.
I will post here what I have observed through my own experiences and talks with other women. I hope that this can be of use to some women and couples out there who experience problems during sex. It is not an exhaustive list, and in fact, if you know more reasons please feel free to comment.
- Not enough lubrication. Wetness is essential for any penetration to feel pleasurable, or at least not hurt.
- There are many reasons for lack of lubrication, but the most common one (in a healthy woman) is lack of physical desire. Here I stress the difference between psychological and physical desire. A woman will produce lubrication when she is physically aroused. Lack of lubrication denotes lack of physical readiness to engage in coitus. A woman can indeed be psychologically willing to have sex, but the body and the mind can go in different directions sometimes.
- Another reason for lack of lubrication can be the use of hormonal birth control. Look it up, it is listed as a side-effect of most hormonal contraceptives.
- Possible solutions:
- Breast massage: In my experience the work with the breast massage (see my previous post) is helping to reconnect my psychological self with my sensual body aspects. I think it is a good way to work towards feeling physical excitation without the need to go for penetration right away.
- External lubrication: always better to use natural substances such as coconut or almond oil (note: oils may debilitate latex, so take care to use a different kind of lubricant if you are with a partner and need to wear condoms). It is a good resource to get over the fear of ‘will I be wet enough’, but in the long term it is better to work with other techniques to draw out a woman’s nectar.
- Vaginal infections: plenty of information out there on this one, so make sure to get a check-up with your doctor. Some infections do not present very noticeable symptoms, so it is worth it to get a check up regularly just to rule this one out.
- Swollen/irritated colon: this one I haven’t read about anywhere, but I’ve come to this conclusion after much self observation. I thought that the pain I felt during penetration was in the vagina itself, because the whole area was swollen and affected with liquid. Now, I’ve stopped eating gluten and drinking alcohol for a month, the pain is more localized and I realize that what hurts is my colon when it is ‘bumped’ during sex. When you read about pain during intercourse, all the resources say that the vaginal walls do not have too many nerves and should not hurt. However, I knew, I felt, that my pain was coming from inside. I was just too disconnected from my body to know that it was really my intestine that is hurting. It also hurts when I do other things such as running, cycling, standing for too long…..
- Constipation: this one is directly related to number 3. A colon that is full will be hard and inflexible, when there is penetration in the vagina or a lot of movement in the area it will be uncomfortable and/or painful. The intestine is deeply linked to the body’s nervous system, therefore swelling of the intestine, can cause other nerve related issues such as widespread muscle/back/joint or even head aches. I believe that other symptoms such as brainfog and fibromyalgia might be related to intestinal problems. Again, this is from self observation and a lot of trial and error.
- Neurological level: here I talk about the nervous system, and therefore the body as a whole. When there is a specific stress in one part of the body, be it injury, infection, irritation, etc… The nervous system fires up stress signals to the brain, this also causes pain, and an inflammatory response. An injury in one place can cause referred pain in another place. In my case, I think that a chronic digestive problem is wreaking havoc on my nervous system. Lack of sleep, or poor quality of sleep, can also cause the nervous system to fire up, and affect physiological processes.
- Posture: I talk here about general walking/sitting and sleeping posture, not just posture during intercourse. How you hold yourself can restrict blood flow to the sexual organs, and cause muscle contractions. I have noticed that generally women (and men also) who have sexual difficulties walk a bit hinged forward at the hips. This causes the lower back muscles to contract, the pelvis to tilt, and the lower ab muscles to bulge forward. This posture is usually accompanied by a pot belly that won’t go away even if the person is slim.
- Core and pelvic floor weakness: a weak pelvic floor will probably also be the culprit of lower back pain, bulging belly, urinary incontinence and some other symptoms. Strengthening the pelvic floor can go a long way to helping improve posture, lubrication and overall pleasure during sex. But, more than that it is essential for good balance and health. I’ll talk a lot more about this later on, but kegel exercises, and even better, jade egg exercises can make a big difference in a short amount of time.
That’s all for now. It’s always necessary to check with a doctor, of course, but if you’re like me you already did that several times and it didn’t help. It is up to us to learn what is going on inside our own bodies. I hope this helps.