The North Wind

The north wind touched my face, ruffled my hair, kissed my cheeks and made me blush. We recognized our spirits, I acknowledged the Wind from the North, and the North Wind made me remember myself. It’s been a long time since I came close to the North Wind, I haven’t lived this far north in this life, and this is not north enough for the north wind; it just came down to visit for a few days.

The north wind is calling me, he whispered a message in my ears, he told me that I’d find him again at the place where the northern lights dance.

I can’t say how I recognized the north wind, it was a special crispiness in the cold air, a quiet moment of static,  something that made me look up smile and blush into the wind. A thunderous whisper, like the sound of dancing blue sparks, and without my thinking it my spirit made me lift up my head to feel the wind full in my face and acknowledge the presence of the North Wind.

 

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Double Lives

I made two different lives for myself, they don’t seem to be compatible with each other. I’ve been jumping from one to the other and can’t fully live either, one is a marriage and the other one is the adventurer. The adventurer includes  ‘adventuring’ with men; it is not compatible with the marriage life. The big conflict is trying to live both lives at once, and planning others at the same time. All the ‘me’s’ plan their own lives on their own, it used to be small things, like getting lost for a few hours to go to sculpture lessons or philosophy talks. Now it’s big things like planning to have a married life in one country, work in another country, and family in yet another one. The logistics are solvable, but the real problem is the split in plans, I keep making double and triple plans. I want to live them all. I get upset when one plan interferes with the other as they are inevitably bound to do. I live in an endless conflict of my own making.

Like I said, logistics are solvable, the real issue is the split in personalities. I’ve solved the logistics a few times over and then I unsolve them again. I moved away from my man to live my single life, I brought him over to where I was living to live the ‘together’ life. I moved away again, I moved back again. Currently I’m in a ‘moved away’ face, but now I’m seeking to bring him over. I’m only stopping because I SAW myself and the awful circle I live in. I have to somehow break the circle in order to move on, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, as long as I pick with integrity. I can’t pick, I pick one and change, I pick the other one and change, I go back and then change again. There is no integrity in being split.

Every time I make a choice I am fully convinced that it is the ‘right’ choice, ‘for real’ this time, only to change again a couple of months later. Now I’m afraid to decide because I know I’ll just change again. I’m stuck in between myselves.

The same applies for jobs, ‘I want an intellectual job’,  ‘I don’t want an intellectual job, I want something hands on’, ‘ I want to work with people’, ‘I don’t want to work with people’…..it never ends…jobs, however, are not quite as ultimately transcendental as the personal life, they can come and go and that’s ok. I know I will change trades many times in my life and that is ok; but while one is going on I need to do it fully and with integrity, not only on the days when I am being the person that wanted that job.

How can I live ‘all’ of me when the ‘me s’ are in conflict with each other? how can we find integrity? how to live one life to the fullest?

What I’m doing now, these double lives, they are all half lives, always something missing. I’ve always thought it is something outside of myself  (specifically a man), but it is not, it is having ‘me’ fully what is missing. I have and I don’t have. One me has a boyfriend and the other one doesn’t. The poor boy, it’s amazing he’s put up with me through all this. The me that loves him is really hurting, that me just wants to disappear. The others are missing something, they miss having the one that’s hurting. There’s no living like this.

Pointless

How can life just keep going and going?

Can’t you see I’m broken hearted?

Can’t you see I’m falling apart?

Is it all about the cheap thrills?

So much time to fill…. all those weekends ahead…all the endless work hours…

I despair and life just keeps going, unrelentless, unforgiving…pointless

Living is pointless, dying is pointless, it is all pointless

There will be no rest for the weary

I try to stay motivated, I do, I try, but it’s all pointless, motivated for what? more cheap thrills? petty emotions, broken feelings, broken opinions, broken plans, double lives?

I saw myself, I saw my broken heart, my empty shell, and I cried for me, but I don’t know how to fix me, I don’t even think there is a way to fix me. There is no point in fixing me.

I wanted to truly see myself and I did, now I don’t know what to do next. I despair.

 

The heartbreaker

Today a day of confession, admitting the hard truths. I’m not going to try to justify any of it, it just is what it is, whatever the cause, I take full responsibility for who I am, who I’ve been and who I will be. Anything I’ve done, I’ve done out of my own free will.

I’m a player, I manipulate, I think it’s a game to manipulate people. I’m playing a nasty game with people, I enjoy it, and what’s more I think they deserve it for not paying attention. It’s obvious to see if you pay attention, those who pay attention don’t fall into it. No one really pays attention. Mainly, I manipulate men, but I also manipulate my family, and to a lesser extent my friends who are girls. I have the power to influence minds, I observe people and determine the best way to get to them, and use it to my advantage. I don’t even suggest things to people, I plant little seeds of ideas in their heads, and suddenly what I wanted ‘is their idea’. To be able to win at this game I am always willing to lose. From time to time I try to give advice, but have decided to cut back on that one as advice is dangerous and, who am I to know what’s best for someone else?

small voice: not all of us enjoy manipulating…we also get hurt in the process…we also get manipulated…

I lie, I have no problems lying, often it comes easier than the truth. It’s part of the manipulative process. I have lied, I have betrayed, I have cheated, I have deceived….others and myself.

I am proud, I think I am right, I KNOW I am right. Everyone else is wrong, or they just don’t get it… I really believe this. In some corner of my mind I see that this must be a delusion, but I really believe it. I’m selfish, I look only after myself.

I’m lazy, I’ve talked about that before. It comes with the having ease to remember things.

I am a bit sexually twisted. I watch porn,the porn in itself is not the problem (though it is demeaning for women), I don’t even watch it too much, maybe an hour a week or less. The problem is the type of porn I enjoy. I watch ladies getting tied up and gang banged in any which way, I enjoy it. I especially enjoy it if they cry.  Secretly, I think that’s the only way I could ever experience an orgasm during sex. I’m staring down that road and deciding not to follow it, it’s tempting, it’s alluring, it’s calling my name. But no. And if that means no pleasure , well then no pleasure. (I’ve stopped watching porn recently as part of my self-abstinence quest).

I’m an avoider of confrontations, with others and myself. This is related to being lazy, I think, and tied into the lying and manipulating.

I’m a stressy-hunch-shouldered-jaw-grinder. No matter what I do my body aches in stress, I’ve chipped three teeth already grinding my jaw at night. I’m cynical and sarcastic, cold.

I live in a haze of thought, in the sphere of half formed dreams and fantasies, living and reliving snitches of unreality. Trapped in my thoughts, trapped in my mind. My mind is not my own.

I’m heartbroken. I am a heart breaker.

Who am I?

Or rather who are we?

A friend asked me a question the other day, something I couldn’t answer. She said, define yourself without mentioning the following things: name, gender, place of birth/habitation, occupation, studies.  So, the question is, who am I? not, where am I from or what do I do, but who am I?

I’m very unsettled that I don’t have an answer for that one. My first thought was, I’m  a spiritual being, and ok, that’s valid enough but it doesn’t ring completely true; that doesn’t mean it’s false, it’s just not completely true.

I could say I’m a student of life, I seek to learn about everything, about how to live and about myself. I enjoy learning for the sake of learning, this month I am learning how to ski, my objective is not the actual skying, but the learning process (a lot of time either eating snow or warming it with my butt). Still, that seems like not enough.

I am many, I could say that, but I feel like that is more a ‘state’ of things than a hard truth.  I don’t feel like I have more than one soul, whatever the soul is anyway, but I do feel like I have several ways of being, personalities so to speak. ‘Ways’ of being, not the same as ‘beings’. (it’s great to know that we all think we are the same being, or do we??)

I am a creator of ideas, not very concrete ones at the moment, but slowly solidifying. I like this one ‘creator of ideas’. However, it also doesn’t ring true, I am perplexed by knowledge, it’s like once I learn something I feel like I already knew it but had forgotten it. Like the process of learning for me is really a ‘remembering’. The same happens when I draw, once I start I feel like I am helping the figure out of the paper, it’s already there, I just need to help it come out. I’ve heard artists talk like this. This reminds me to look up more about the philosophy on the ‘world of ideas’…but I’m side tracking. So, instead of ‘creator of ideas’ I am a remember-er of ideas, would the right word be ‘remembrancer’?

I could also say that I’m an artist of sorts, but that one really rings false, art is something I do from time to time; not something I am. I can remember art, I can even make art, but am ‘I’ art? Every human body is a work of art, so maybe from that angle I ‘am’ art. Every mind is a world, so every mind is ‘art’, by definition but not by action. Am I art in action? If I’m not, this is one I would like to be.

 Am I defined by a set of emotions? I could list a few… cool headed, practical, smart, loving, funny, empathic, compassionate….or, lusty, envious, proud, vane, lazy, selfish…. Are emotions really an end? they seem so fickle…No, I am not a set of emotions, I am capable of emotion (up to a point) but I am not ’emotion’ personified.

We are adventurers, now that one rings true, I am an adventurer. Always looking for the next thrill, the next challenge, the next opportunity to change. Both physically and mentally.

What about this? who am I with respect to others? I don’t know….hopefully I help them ‘remember’ and ‘venture out’.

That’s all the time I have for now, but this is not over, deep question, needs more thinking. I should also think of the things I am that I don’t like. 

To wrap up, I am a ‘remembrancer’ and an ‘adventurer’ seeking to become ‘art in action’. 

 

 

 

 

 

Quests

state of affairs:

-still waking up on time

– have gone for a swim , but not today…

-The work brain is sluggish but has brief moments of inspiration.

-Writing on the blog has not happened….but I’m giving up on this one, at least not everyday, it’s too much to do what with the other things.

I was just thinking that I haven’t had night terrors in a long time, in fact I barely remember the last one. There have been a couple of nightmares, but that is different than a night terror. Maybe recognizing them consciously has been the answer, but I feel like they are just lurking at the edge of awareness waiting to catch me at my lowest. The caves have definitely helped improve courage, it’s a different type of courage since it is more physical, but it’s like exercising the same muscle. Which brings me to another reflection: quests as a way to access the mind.

Now, I’ve always seen the mind as something, well, mental. That’s not entirely true, I know it’s deeply seated in the body, the relationship goes both ways, the mind affects the body but the body can also affect the mind. So in order to access more of my mind I want to go on physical quests. A quest must be something that I don’t normally do, that involves using muscles I don’t normally use. The caving definitely counts as a quest, but quests can also be small things like brushing my teeth with my left hand instead of my right. 

Exploring caves is very representative of what I want to do in my mind. It can be treacherous, scary, dangerous at times, but you find the beauty in true darkness, the crystals in the corners, incredible resilient rock formations, shy little creatures, and more of who you really are. By darkness I mean the absence of light, not something evil, just true absence of light, it’s beautiful. My fellow cavers the other day went off exploring to see if part of the cave was flooded. I stayed behind and turned off my light, I couldn’t hear them anymore. I was well and truly alone in the darkness. I could see the bright flashes of impressions inside my eyes still lingering around, I wonder what would happen if I could have more time alone in the true darkness, and even those fade away. Things might just get interesting. I have to somehow manage to have time alone in a cave, that’s a quest. Maybe I can lock myself in the bathroom, put a towel on the door crack and turn off the lights…

More ideas for quests (I just love lists):
1. Do handstands

2. Do eye exercises everyday (move them up, down, to the sides, diagonally, around…..)

3. yoga in the mornings (this one pops up in every list I write and yet I’m still not doing it)

4. Fast for three days (drink water of course) or fast during the day and eat only when it’s dark. I’ll have to decide which one to do, somehow it never seems like a good time to fast.

5. Sleep only 5 hours a night for a week, it also never seems like a good time to do this one. 

6. Run until I faint- might be hard on the knees, but has some potential. Need to build up bone strength before attempting this.

7. Meditate (meaning sit quietly for a period of time) – another ignored favorite on my lists.

8. Stop writing lists that never get done.

9. Practice pelvic breathing, could be done in conjunction with 7.

10. Do not masturbate for a month….ok…this one I’ll attempt starting today (have attempted many times and failed) . With this one I’m afraid I’ll get too anxious and desperate and start going boy-crazy like a teenager (it’s been known to happen to me). Yes…I think this is an interesting one. We’ll start here, it will be one or two weeks before it gets hard to do and that is already half the time. Another fear with this one is that I will lose my sexual energy, I feel that if I don’t kindle it it withers and sputters out…and then I’ll go cold again.

11. Do not wear glasses for a week…not sure if it’s a terribly good idea considering I spend most of my time in front of a computer screen, but might have potential.

12. Stand in the cold until I shiver uncontrollably

Ok… first quest decided…self abstinence (does that term even exist?), I hope I can handle the sexual energy. It’s not about making it go away like in the past, it’s about keeping it around and doing something other than sexual activities with it. It can get out of hand, it’s a difficult one to manage. Honestly, I haven’t truly tried to do this since it awakened in me a couple of years ago. So, here goes nothing, I’ll post my progress along, let’s see what happens.

 

 

 

 

Becoming the Word

Today:

–          Got up on the first ring of the alarm at 8am

–          Solved a problem with a program at work, glorious concentration once more

–          Studied language

–          Went for a run in the evening

I feel like I´m back. I can think once again, and I´m excited about all my little day to day goals. After a period of a few months that involved a lot of sleeping, some crying, a lot of alone time and plenty of thinking, I feel like I´m ready to take on the world. Personal life is still not solved, there are still problems, but little by little if I can train my mind to do my bidding I think things will turn around. The ´retreat´ time was necessary and it served a function, it was like regrouping, restocking and recovering. Energy comes and goes and it´s good to recognize periods when it wanes in order to do things to refuel it instead of depleting it.

I´ve overcome a BIG mental hurdle. I realize I´ve spent hours trying to convince people, and myself, about how my problems are inevitable and there is absolutely no way to solve them. Saying things like ´I just can´t get up in the morning, it´s a low blood pressure thing´,  ´I can´t focus, I´ve always had an attention disorder´, and the worst one (still not solved) ´I just don´t enjoy sex…see, it was bad´.  Saying things like that is like setting up self-fulfilling prophecies, if you don´t think you can then you can`t. Words are powerful, I must be careful to voice out my opinions more carefully, and ultimately think more carefully. My concrete action on that one is trying to control my first thought of the day when the alarm rings in the morning. Little things like that can go a long way.  

In the dutch language the word for ´word´ can also be a verb ´worden´ which means `becoming`, and it is considered a synonym of  the verb ´to be´. I think it´s very appropriate, for you become what you speak; there is ancient knowledge hidden in language.   

So now, I want to decide what I want my first thought of the day to be. It´s very important, and it must touch my soul. I´m unsure about this, I have a few ideas but I need to think about it some more, any suggestions?

The Heroic Minute

Yesterday I didn’t keep my promise to myself to write everyday. I was very busy, but still….ok, water under the bridge, move on….it doesn’t mean that now I can give up on the whole thing just because I didn’t do one day (this happens to me a lot, I miss ‘one time’ and it’s downhill from there).

State of affairs:

–          Woke up at 5.45 on the first ring of the alarm, this was not for pleasure nor sport, I just had to get somewhere.

–          Work has been happening consistently but I’ve hit a mental roadblock.

–          Went for a swim in the evening, did 1K in about 30 mins (forgot to check the watch on the way out).

The heroic minute:

This is the minute when you hear the alarm in the morning and get up and out of bed without hesitation (and don’t crawl back into bed afterwards). It’s a term that was taught to me at my borderline fanatical catholic high school. I have a long history with this, but the short story is that they were ultra religious and that caused me, in the years after high school, to reject everything they taught. I hated them with their ‘heroic minutes’…staying in bed was a small rebellion on my part. I’m starting to realize through this writing that this was an unconscious block in my mind to getting up on time. Wow, this is a special moment, I like it when I discover things like this about myself and find out that it’s really not so hard to overcome them.

 The numeraries had it right, though, getting up without hesitation is the best way to do it. It takes some force of will, but in the end I suffer much less that way. What I was doing the past few months is I would set the alarm to a certain ‘goal’ hour, say 8 am, then I would hear the alarm, press snooze, and go back to bed miserable because I knew I had to get up. This would then go on for about an hour or an hour and a half, by 9.30 when I was finally up I was already late to start my day, and feeling bad disappointed in myself yet again. This way, I was neither resting nor taking advantage of time to move on with my day.

Now, for the past week, I’ve been living the ‘heroic minute’ and I have to admit that it’s much better.  I feel like I’ve given myself the gift of time, yes it’s a tough minute, but then we’re off to a good start, and it’s really just a minute. This also automatically forces me to be more disciplined and go to bed earlier (if anything out of sheer exhaustion).  I know it’s only been a few days, but I really feel like I’ve conquered the snooze button. Now I can plan my mornings and have more time to myself for sports, work,  or even to simply enjoy a good cup of coffee.  Getting to work earlier also means that I leave work earlier in the evenings and I have more time to myself. It’s a win win situation.

The next step is to stop cursing the alarm when it rings… I think it an interesting experiment to see what happens if I manage to start my day with a more peaceful type of thought.

Planmaking

I had a nice social weekend but I did not do what I should have done, some language work and some exercise.

I’m stuck on the plan making for this year because I don’t want to make plans without my man who is not my man anymore. We had planned to do things together, and now I don’t want to do those things alone without him, trips and things. I wonder that I can’t get over myself and just love him fully and be happy with him. If happiness is the purpose of things anyhow.

I should write about the purpose of life, I lost mine somewhere. It’s a topic that’s too heavy on the shoulders for just this moment. I’ll think about it some more and try to post something, if it still interests me later this week.

I read a paragraph that really moved me recently, it’s part of a short story of a young couple in love who don’t feel lust for each other,  I’ll make my best effort to translate it:

” They are fallen angels; they are mesmerized by their corporeal natures but they ignore the sting of concupiscence. They are happy to feel the tangible cocoon but their being is still focused on the lukewarm perfume of their eternal souls”—AR