More on Fear: Letting go

We are having trouble letting go of the past, it doesn’t feel like it’s really the past.  I feel it in my stomach, as usual, having trouble letting go means having trouble with bowel movements. Constipation. One more step to go, I have to tell the man who loves me that the viking has found us. He will not understand. He will hurt, we continue to break his heart, we would bear all the heartbreak ourselves if only it would spare him. Time and time again we’ve stabbed him and he continues to stand tall in his love for us. We wish we had that same ability to love as he has, love despite difficulty, love despite distance, love despite myself. In a selfish sort of way, we want to keep that love, it is a beautiful to thing to be loved so purely. We love  him and we don’t want him at the same time. We know now that we must let go, we must let him go. It hurts. It hurts less when we think of the viking, and then I feel guilty for having someone to help with the hurt, and I know that the man has no one. He will do it alone, as he always does, he will get up in the morning and go to work. He will do his work no matter what and then lose himself in video games. Hopefully his friends will take him out to parties. I wish I could help him with the hurt, but I can’t, I am causing the hurt. I wish it could have worked between us, we are just not physically right for each other. Even knowing it as clearly as I see it now, it doesn’t make the hurt any less. Our families will be sad, my parents will also be hurt and concerned. They don’t know the viking, he is a foreigner, he is different, they will fear he will keep me in the north; I fear I’ll stay in the north away from my family. Is it possible to let go of family when you know you are hurting them?

I seem to hurt everyone who loves me, for some reason they still love me, they don’t see the despicable being that I am. They feel hurt and they don’t see that it’s me doing the hurting. It happens eventually with everyone I know. Why must I hurt everyone I love?

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