Does the cracker exist?

I feel like I’m loosing my grip on reality, I often very seriously doubt whether I’m awake or dreaming. Usually if I’m dreaming I can fly and that’s how I know I’m dreaming. Only, now I have a new ‘no jumping out of windows’ policy in dreams, just in the off chance that I’m actually awake.

**Watch out for sexual discussion ahead**

I’ve lost time again, I don’t remember if I actually had intercourse with someone or if it was a dream….This is serious…it’s not just another forgotten conversation.  I don’t feel like I can ask him, it would be very awkward either way. What happened was we finally lured the boy into our apartment with promises of home cooked food  (note: he’s actually my age, but in our thoughts he’s called ‘the boy’). The boy came over and we had an awkward evening, things happened and then we went to sleep together on my single bed. I don’t know if I had a very sexy dream or if we really did have some more sexy time then. In any case I have the feeling that we enjoyed it more than the first ‘awake’ time. I feel like I need to emphasize that this is a real warm-blooded-flesh-and-bone boy, as opposed to being imaginary (which also happens).

I’m sad I can’t remember more of it, all I remember was that I was enjoying myself and then I thought ‘ohh this is going to be one of those moments that I won’t be sure of in the morning but it is real now’. Again, this is a sensory memory, those are the only words attached to it, other than that it’s just nice impressions of smooth skin, caressing, a lot of breathing, warmth, and a molten-caramel like feeling where we were joined together. There was no release as usual, but also the feeling that release wasn’t really necessary as long as the caramel-like warmth could continue.  It was very sweet really. I’ve never enjoyed sex like that in my waking hours, in fact I don’t really enjoy it. What’s more,  earlier that night with the boy  I enjoyed the closeness, his smell, his skin and the manly presence but not the actual act so much. It’s a pity if it did happen and I don’t remember, it’s also a pity if it didn’t happen. Probably it was just wishful thinking…sigh…

We decided we won’t be seeing the boy again, for a number of unimportant reasons, but the body does like the boy. It’s rare for the body to like a boy, so it’s a pity it won’t work out. The boy told me he’s in love with someone else. So that’s that.

Another disturbing thing that happened to me, was when I was doing some rope trainings for the caves. The rope techniques require a lot of thinking as you go up, down, sideways, sometimes up and down at the same time, change ropes, and change carabines using a series of knots and friction devices. It get’s complicated. So we were enjoying dangling from one rope to the next for some 40 minutes when something very disturbing happened. We had to cross an inverted umbrella rope, it’s when a rope hangs between two carabines with some slack in between so it looks like an upside down umbrella. To do that you have to go down, pull on the rope, and then go up, and then down…. So I was going down, I stopped myself, and I completely forgot the knot I had to make to secure myself before pulling some rope and going up. I’ve done that knot many many times, and as I was dangling some 15 feet off the ground I completely forgot it. I had to reason out what the best way to secure myself would be instead of actually knowing how to do it. I actually found a  better way that is more stable, but I was so disappointed at my mind for abandoning me at a time like that.

So, maybe I just imagined that there was a cracker, but it never really existed…or did it?

6 thoughts on “Does the cracker exist?

  1. “The boy told me he’s in love with someone else.”

    Horrible boy. That’s all I have to say.
    Now just don’t go jumping off ropes my dear dear friend. Wish I could be there, I feel a great ache in my chest for you, and there are tears in my eyes and nose.
    There is a cracker. And it’s yours. And it’s a very very nice one. Keep it safe dear friend. And if you like cheese, then find a nice one that goes with the cracker. I quite like camembert when it has softened up a bit with age.

    • Thanks for your empathy Jessie, I appreciate it.
      About what the boy said about being in love with someone else, I actually appreciate his honesty as opposed to just falsely leading me on. I’m ok with it, we are not children anymore, everyone carries a story with them. It’s sad that we are so heartbroken.
      And maybe there isn’t a cracker and that’s also ok. Sometimes I feel like everything is just some sort of illusion. But thanks for believing in my sanity, it helps.

      • Mm. Honesty is nice. Perhaps nicer if he were honest before getting so close. I do believe in your sanity. It’s just hard going through learning about love, and trauma, and sex, and break-ups, and emotions, etc etc.

        I invited a man to my home and cooked up a meal for him. And made up a mattress in the lounge for him to sleep in overnight. I thought the world of him. He was married and had children. And a baby on the way. We had been talking, and he got cold, and it was time for me to go to my bedroom, and for him to go to the lounge. He wanted me to come with him to keep on talking, and to just hold me, and I wanted to keep talking and I wanted to keep him warm. silly. I thought it would be okay to have a man in the house.

        I thought of him as my twin brother. He was the same age as me. We didn’t have sex. We shared energy. Can’t explain. It felt very healing on one level, and yet I became quite frightened inside. I ended up half off the mattress, on the floor, and then I sat up and read to him until he fell asleep. (My one experience of getting too close to a man in the last 10 years.) I learned that I couldn’t have a man stay overnight in my house, no matter how much I loved or trusted him. No matter how much I trusted myself. It’s the circumstances.

        I cried an awful lot after he went away, and felt very bad about myself. He visited again with his family in the daytime, and another time where somehow I think he was trying to make up for it, by staying out in his car all night. I cried. It is hard to think of him in quite the same way as I did at first, as if he were my twin brother. It was healing in the respect that he had self-control to the point where he did not have sex with me even though we were so close. It was frightening to feel the desire to. It wasn’t my intention. In a way, it was this experience that helped me to not be frightened of all men wanting to have sex with me. Or wanting to force sex on me. I learned that a man chooses to have sex, and is in control of his actions. So it narrows it down for me, that those who abused me chose to do so, and that not everyone is like them.

        Hope all is well with you dear Luna Sol.

  2. Hey Jessie,
    It sounds like you needed to have that experience in order to realize that not all men are bad. It must be hard to believe with what men have done to you. I feel for you. I’ve also had this scary feeling of thinking that all men want to have sex with me, in a way it’s a delusion of the ego that wants to be an object of desire, and in another way it’s a fear that makes me keep distance from men. My only close male friend is gay. For example, I really like to dance, I think dancing is sexy, but l try to avoid dancing with men. I feel very uncomfortable being so close to men that I don’t want to be sexy with, specially when I feel like they would like to be sexual with me (delusions again?). I’d been in conflict over this as some people I know really like to go to the local salsa club, and I keep making excuses to not go. This conversation has helped me figure it out, that’s a good thing.

    ‘We shared energy.’;
    It’s amazing that you should share this with me here. It seems a bit unrelated to my post, but thinking about it, I believe that is what happened with the boy when we were asleep. I’m starting to think that we didn’t really have more intercourse, but we close together skin against skin, sharing heat and energy in a way that was also physical without the act itself. Physically, we both want each other, I could feel his erection inside his tidy whities every time I woke up. I could also definitely feel my own arousal (for me this is novel, I’ve spent years sleeping with my former partner and feeling more alone than now that I really am alone). Energy calls to energy, it’s natural, it wants to join when it finds an energy that it resonates with. Is that why people like sex so much? is it that sense of unity that it brings? maybe that’s it…what’s more fantastic is that you could find that sense of unity even without having sex, it goes beyond the physical.
    It’s also sad when you find it with someone you can’t have, like in your case with your friend, or now for me with the boy. Either way, It’s nice to have experienced it and know that it exists. Knowing what to look for helps in finding what you’re looking for.

    • ” I feel very uncomfortable being so close to men that I don’t want to be sexy with, specially when I feel like they would like to be sexual with me (delusions again?).”

      Nah, not delusions, surely. That sounds absolutely ‘normal.’ Who wants to get sexy with someone they don’t want to get sexy with? It would be like fishing for sharks when you don’t want to catch one.

      Sounds to me like you have good instincts, and exercise your power of choice about where you go, and who you want to be with. If salsa isn’t it then so be it. I reckon I would probably want to go with a group of trusted friends.

      I’m just a beginner at the moment, with getting social, and so I don’t know how things like dancing would affect me, or what sort of people I would end up feeling close to. Men, women, gay men or women, or whatever, I really don’t know. It’s funny, I have always loved men. I don’t think of them as bad. I do recognize my feeling of uncertainty or fear when things get sexual. I just want to find a way to get over it, or find out how to deal with it when it comes up.

      ” sharing heat and energy in a way that was also physical without the act itself. ”
      It was that sort of thing, with a big dose of love energy going from heart to heart and back again. He was very careful and there was not one moment where I was physically aware of an erection. He may never have had one as far I was aware.

      “what’s more fantastic is that you could find that sense of unity even without having sex, it goes beyond the physical.”
      I think that was the whole point… the love is the most important thing. And the sex is not some uncontrollable force. It is entirely controllable. This man proved it to me. The whole thing was about love energy moving through the heart, and not departing from that the whole time. It took energy and effort to stay with that. It was like what was missing in all the other relationships, including the rapes. And yet, it was the most saddest thing because he was… well you know… he was married to another woman. So it was like he had shown me something I would never have. That was the part I feel is unfair. And probably what spurred me to write the ‘horrible boy’ comment earlier, in response to your post.

      Live and learn, don’t we?

  3. ” I actually found a better way that is more stable, but I was so disappointed at my mind for abandoning me at a time like that.”

    Sounds like your mind didn’t abandon you if you found a better way that is more stable. Perhaps your instincts and the way your mind works are more trustworthy and dependable than you give yourself credit for. Who knows if the ‘known’ and ‘taught’ way was actually not suitable for the circumstances, and that your mind switching to ‘reasoning it out’ was an excellent intuitive survival instinct that took in the whole picture and put your life and wellbeing first. Just a bit of a pep talk for you… a different way of looking at it…

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