The pointless struggle

A couple of months ago, I wrote about a confrontation, I was doing ‘exorcisms’ in dreams, names were called upon, strength was drawn, fears were conquered. I ‘won’. And now I see how silly it all was.

All along it was a fight against myself, against my own fears. All along I knew it was against myself, and all along I thought it was against something external, some demon plaguing my sleep, night after night, year after year. Both things were true, I made it external since I needed to experience fear, in order to experience the getting over fear and finding courage. Finding myself really.
It was all so silly, and not completely necessary, there was an easy way, I took the hard way. I could have just recognized the strength in me and so many sleepless nights, knotted muscles, clenched teeth, could have been avoided. The point is moot, it happened and it didn’t. There were those who were ‘external’ there, they did mean to cause fear, and perhaps harm at some point, but they were not the cause of the struggle and the strife. It was all me, and I knew it, but I didn’t think it so. I was the source and the solution of it all along. It was like Dorothy finding out that she had the power to go home all along but she needed to face the witch before she could know it.
Silly, and now I recognize ‘them’ and thank them, for making me face myself. I didn’t really want to cause so much fear to my own soul, I couldn’t on my own, they helped out. They are the Unnamed, the shadow in the corner of your sight, the presence in the dark, the whisper in the mind, they are me and I am them, and yet we think we are separate.
It was all an illusion of my own self, so silly to be tormented for so long, by my own mind, by my own design. Silly, silly…crucial, but silly.

I am healing now. Looking up. Rising from the abyss.

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3 thoughts on “The pointless struggle

  1. For me, the struggle against my own energies early in my life showed me the most important thing that many seem to fail to learn. That coming from a place of love, especially unconditional love, is they key to protection.

    Too many hate or see themselves as spiritual warriors (an oxymoron) and think they can smite the dark in the name of light. In fact, all they do is strengthen it, and make themselves more vulnerable.

    Few seem to get this, though. I just do not understand it.

    • Hi Gary,
      I see that now, thank you for your comment. The thing is, in my upbringing, these ‘exorcisms’ were the only tool we were taught to deal with such experiences. It was an archetype in my mind and I needed to be able to do it to get over my fear. Only once I was able to do it, I realized how ‘moot’ and unnecessary it was. Like I said, I took the hard way, coming from a place of love and compassion is much more effective. Now, I realize that it is me that has changed. I still have all the perceptions I used to have, I still hear rattles and whispers, but I see it in a different way. It was a rite of passage that I thought I needed to experience, and so I did.

      • Yes, I know. 🙂 It’s interesting to note that such things to try and banish dark beings just end up offending them and making them angrier than fixing any issue. (My current series on the blog deals with that as it goes.)

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