As I was writing my previous post, I realised I am very reluctant to say that I don’t have pain anymore. Partly because I do still experience pain and cramping, but there is more to it.
Although I’ve kept silent about it for a long time, pain has defined my life for the better part of the past ten years. It’s made me tired, cranky, stiff and sleepy. As long as I can blame pain for being tired, cranky or sleepy, I don’t have to blame myself for it. I don’t mean blame as in finger pointing, but rather as in accepting responsibility. Basically, there have been many things I could have done earlier to relieve the pain, the first one was to accept it. On the other hand, I’ve not been cranky for ten years, if you met me you’d think me a happy upbeat sort of person (most of the time). So, I hold on to the fact that, in spite of being in pain, I can enjoy life, I can overcome my body. I am not my body, and my spirit can prevail even when my body decides to cramp up. It just sounds so ‘heroic’, without the pain I wouldn’t be heroic anymore (or would I?).
If I’m not in pain I have to admit that I’m just feeling down for some emotional reason, and then I would have to actually get in touch with such emotions. If I’m not in pain then I am not my own hero that can get over herself, go beyond the pain, and enjoy despite the circumstances. And so, I am reluctant to admit that I am healing, I hold on to the pain, and this slows my healing. I’m not letting it go, and so some of it remains, and sometimes cramps me up as badly as before.
If I’m not in pain, I would have to claim responsibility for my foul moods, my headaches, my laziness. If I’m not in pain, I wouldn’t be special anymore.
I’m ready. I’m leaving it all behind. I’m leaving the pain behind. I’m embracing my new found health, and working for more of it. I’m taking responsibility for who I am, what I do, what I feel, what I say.