Opening up- Day 3

Quick update, day 3 was successfully completed. By successfully I mean I’ve done more than 1 hour of yoga each day for the past three days. I begin to realize just how stiff I’ve grown, my hips and shoulders seem to be stuck, I´m very far from where I want to be. I am where I need to be, working every day. I will keep it up.

I’m considering going to a chiropractor for my lower back, it is painful and tender and mobility is reduced. Perhaps next month.

I recorded some videos of myself doing several ‘target poses’ for comparison, to have a before and after so I can track my progression. The before is very disheartening, I feel I am stretching to the max, and it barely shows on the video. I think at this rate, within a few days I´ll be able to feel the stretch in the poses, right now all I feel are stiff joints. There is a fine limit to how much pain is needed for change, and how much will just cause injury. I am trying to play the edge, I can handle some pain, I can handle a lot of pain, I´m just scared of injury. They say the body will simply not do what the body cannot do, so I will breathe through it and trust that my body will stop where it must.

On the good side, I feel a lot of internal motion, a lot of clicking and popping and inner shaking. It must be good, change is happening.

There is a nagging psychological component to it, a hurdle to get through, that voice that says ‘you won’t make it’, it talks to me all day, well here I´m talking back to it:

It says: You´re too old…starting at 30 hahahaha!! you fool! all you will achieve is injury….well to you I say: I will just practice everyday, the practice is what counts, the result will come on its own, 30 or 60, I can dedicate an hour of yoga every day and play it to my limit.

An hour! ha! you barely have time to sleep! busy work schedule, caving, learning a language, you´ll give up after a couple of days, just like you always do….to you I say: I will keep going, I will do it every day, I will find it in myself to have perseverance, I can´t give up, I need to keep trying even if I´ve failed many times before. This time I will make it!

What´s more, I’ve always wanted to be an acrobat, ever since I was a child, I did gymnastics for some years (ages 7-11), but I was too scared to ever do any of the advanced things. After that I’ve always thought that I lost my chance, if I didn´t get it then, it is too late. At 12 I thought it was too late, at 15 I had lost hope, at 17 I tried again and didn´t have resilience, all through my 20s I tried a few times didn’t manage to stick to a plan and gave up. Well NO MORE, this is the year when I will overcome myself.  I’ve already managed a lot, the caving has helped me see that I am capable of so much more than I think I am.

For now 30 days of yoga and taichi to release my hips and back, I know that that will open the door for so much more. I am a warrior, I am an amazon, I am a seer, I am a knower,  I will win the fight against myself, I will do it!

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