It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a working day, and I haven’t gotten out of bed. I opened one eye, dialed in to a telco in the  morning, slept through it, opened one eye to sign out and went back to sleep. I didn’t even get up to drink water or go to the toilet, my place is a mess, there are things on the ground everywhere, there’s barely space to step around.

Although I’ve been thinking I am ok, I need to look at this moment with honesty and admit to myself that something is wrong. I’m no longer motivated to do my job, it’s not the job’s fault, it is me who lost the drive to do things. I’m seriously homesick. I just don’t see the meaning in any of this. Thinking of not renewing my contract and just going back home, I don’t know how serious I am about it though. I have a personal rule to not make life changing decisions when I am depressed.  The only good thing is that I’ve kept up the sports activities on the weekends, if I have drive to do sports the situation is not so desperate. I haven’t been able to train on my own though.

This is the moment when I look at myself and admit that I am not as ok as I pretend to be. I need to take action to change this, but I don’t quite know what to do. I couldn’t stand the thought of getting up and going to the office, my absence is not noted because we are allowed to work at home from time to time. I just don’t want to see people, I need to be alone, can’t even stand TV right now.

I’ll increase the sports level, that usually helps, I’ll start doing it even though I don’t feel like it. I know that motivation is caused by doing, not the other way around. I’ve always told myself: ‘don’t wait to be motivated in order to do something, just start doing it and motivation will come’. Another part of me tells me: just give up, go back to sleep it is useless to fight the laziness.

As usual I battle my two wolves, this comic describes it beautifully:

94. The Two Wolves.


5 thoughts on “Depression

  1. Cheer up, love! ❤ This is just a transition period. I had been like you for the past week! Go on YouTube & watch some motivational speakers speeches. I hope that it'll help you through this phase in life!! Sending you extra love & light. 🙂 ❤ x

  2. The key is to not fight it. You’re doing the right thing in being honest with it. Just don’t make the mistake of making a story out of your thoughts. Also, it’s good that you have these extreme sports activities. When I experienced this, I don’t have any other outlet.

    • Vanspareja,
      Thank you for the message. You are right, accepting and observing a situation is important to be able to face it. And, I’ve sort of stumbled into the extreme sports due to this type of mood, there was just the moment when I thought I needed a challenge. I needed to do something to get past my fears, so what best way than to do it physically first. I never knew I would actually like or be able to practice these sports. I was afraid of anything dangerous. Now they really are an outlet, and a chance for growth. Realizing I’ve been depressed is motivating me towards taking action to get out of it. Actions mostly regarding my attitude towards things, and not so much a big change of life situation.
      Kind Regards,
      Luna Sol

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