It’s 3 o’clock in the afternoon on a working day, and I haven’t gotten out of bed. I opened one eye, dialed in to a telco in the morning, slept through it, opened one eye to sign out and went back to sleep. I didn’t even get up to drink water or go to the toilet, my place is a mess, there are things on the ground everywhere, there’s barely space to step around.
Although I’ve been thinking I am ok, I need to look at this moment with honesty and admit to myself that something is wrong. I’m no longer motivated to do my job, it’s not the job’s fault, it is me who lost the drive to do things. I’m seriously homesick. I just don’t see the meaning in any of this. Thinking of not renewing my contract and just going back home, I don’t know how serious I am about it though. I have a personal rule to not make life changing decisions when I am depressed. The only good thing is that I’ve kept up the sports activities on the weekends, if I have drive to do sports the situation is not so desperate. I haven’t been able to train on my own though.
This is the moment when I look at myself and admit that I am not as ok as I pretend to be. I need to take action to change this, but I don’t quite know what to do. I couldn’t stand the thought of getting up and going to the office, my absence is not noted because we are allowed to work at home from time to time. I just don’t want to see people, I need to be alone, can’t even stand TV right now.
I’ll increase the sports level, that usually helps, I’ll start doing it even though I don’t feel like it. I know that motivation is caused by doing, not the other way around. I’ve always told myself: ‘don’t wait to be motivated in order to do something, just start doing it and motivation will come’. Another part of me tells me: just give up, go back to sleep it is useless to fight the laziness.
As usual I battle my two wolves, this comic describes it beautifully: