In my daily life I try to be a happy and upbeat person. I have a good sense of humor, I like to make people laugh and smile. I’ve had a rough patch for some time, but I feel like I’m getting back to myself now. It doesn’t really show on this blog, because this is where I work through the hard things, I unload it all here and keep it safely away from my daily musings. It is an outlet of sorts, a much needed one. This way I can work through all the intricacies of seeing the self and live my life at the same time. It’s a balance, sometimes it tips more one way than the other, but it more or less works.
I’m rather empathic, which means that I feel what people around me feel. This leads to me wanting people around me to feel good, call me selfish, but that also makes me feel good. So I put a lot of effort into making people around me comfortable, I’m like a chameleon, I adapt my conversation and attitude towards them, to make them feel at ease and peace. Sometimes I’ve thought I’m being ‘fake’ since I can be so different with one person or another, but I’ve slowly come to realize that it is more a matter of being ‘adaptable’. I have from time to time lost myself in someone’s ideas or personality, it happens with people who are very dominant and radiate their emotions and ideas loudly. I can adapt myself to them for a while, but if their values don’t resonate with mine, I soon find myself in conflict and I must get away from them. It’s been a learning process, however, realizing that those thoughts are not my own, that those emotions are not my own, and that I am living someone else’s drama. It’s really ok to feel other people’s emotions, as long as I know it. Which is why it is so important to know myself, so that I can identify what is mine and what is not.
On the other hand, people who know me for a while, tend to want me to be around. Because I make them feel good. People like to feel good. Simple as that. I’ve seen it happen many times, I am a glue in a group, I keep the group together, I help smooth out discomforts in a group, I help make things flow. When I leave, the group falls apart or grows distant. I like to bring joy to people, to make them see the best in themselves, I so clearly see it, I’m surprised they don’t know it right away. I like to take people and lift them up and help them help themselves. I don’t always succeed, but I sure try.
It’s surprising what makes people feel good, sometimes they need a kind word, other times they need a diss or a lash out, and I give it to them and that makes them feel good. Which makes me feel good. Sometimes they need a harsh word so that they can see through their own selves. I also give them that, but with a bit of caution, as being harsh doesn’t always come naturally to me.
Mostly, I like to bring joy to people’s life, so I prefer to be around people who accept that joy and share it with me. I find it very difficult to be with people who will not accept my help or my joy. If I stay around them I am in conflict. When I find inspired people who are living their passion and spirit I feel myself uplifted. Being able to share my own joy and the joy of others is absolutely inspiring and just awesome.
That was the sunny side of things. Since I am myself, and I see the sun and the moon at the same time, I also see the more lunatic side of it.
People like to keep me around, I make them feel good, and they want more of it. I try to inspire them to find that joy inside themselves, but sometimes they demand it from me, and without me they grow sad and distant. I feel it is my responsibility to make them happy, and if I don’t then I am failing. When I leave it is like a leave a hole in their lives, and I feel their pain about me leaving. And I leave often. I leave often. It is something I am trying to understand. I have moved away from everyone I loved, both my family and my love, perhaps because I need to be away from them to find myself. And just as I see the best in people, I also see the worst in them. I can also make someone see themselves with truth, and that makes many people very very uncomfortable. I keep a balance, since my intention is not to break someone but rather uplift them, but someone who will not see himself will not last long around me. Although they will still want me around to make them feel good. Only as long as I am giving them what they want. It hurts me.
I come in, I touch people’s lives, I encourage them to see through the veil, to feel joy in their hearts. Then I leave. I don’t know what it is, I have a restlessness in me, I have periods of calm, but at some point the restlessness starts again and I know it is time to move. Over the past five years I’ve lived in 4 different countries. Always, at some point, I just have to leave. I am sort of controlling the ‘otherness’ in me by looking for adventure, caving and climbing and snowboarding and rappelling. But I can feel it pushing at me, letting me be for the time being, but it will call me into movement once I’m done here. Done with what? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I want to be more the joy bringer than the unveiler of truths. Even though the two of them they seem to come together. Luna and Sol always at the same time. I am making a statement, I am making it my mission to bring joy to people around me, even if it is just for an instant. A moment of laughter, a smile.