In my dreams I’ve died countless deaths, all of them sudden or violent. I wrote about it in a previous post called The endless plight of the Unknowers.
Today I made my day difficult. I had a breakdown of sorts, for unexplained reasons, I just started crying and crying in despair. I couldn’t finish my work, I couldn’t even face and observe the crisis. I did what I usually do, I resorted to food, make the belly ache, it will make the other feelings fade. Having a crisis made me think about death, so here another post about it.
There is a lot to be said about death and the moment of death, so much that I don’t know where to start. For now I want to talk about suicide. Experiencing a death through suicide was one of the most scarring and scary events of my life, it wasn’t really a dream, it was a waking experience of sorts. I only recently identified it a death through an experience someone shared with me. In my waking life I’ve never felt inclined towards suicide, don’t see the point in it really.
I wrote about this experience when I started this blog in My Own Fear.
It went more or less like this, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt paralyzed, it was fear of the soul, fear of the heart, way beyond fear of dying. There was a presence next to me, it wanted to break me, break my soul, break my heart. I felt such intense fear, so much angst that I thought, in that one moment, that I wanted to die to just get away from it. It was a desire for more than just physical death, it was in a way looking for a spiritual suicide, a desire to just stop being altogether. Completely irrational and wordless, primal.
I have many interpretations of that one experience, and I think all of them are true. One is what I wrote in the previous post, that fear is a part of me that I’ve neglected. Another interpretation, now that I accept the deaths I have died through the experience of others, is that I died the death of a suicide. I went through the angst and the mental state of someone who messed with things she wasn’t ready for, lost her mind to fear, and committed suicide. These deaths I experience, they are not really my death in previous lives or something, I feel spirits and so I experience their last moments. On occasion I know I’ve experienced my own deaths, but that is another topic.
Suicide goes against our survival instinct, in order to commit suicide a person has to overcome an innate instinct and drive for survival. Our bodies, both physical and ethereal, are built to want to survive, they are protected in this way. Although a suicide caused their own death, they do not necessarily accept it, they will keep on living and reliving that last heart wrenching moment of insanity that led them to overcome their own nature and kill themselves. The pity is that only very strong souls could do this, they were nearly there, nearly at the point of reaching a higher vibration, if only they would have held on a bit longer. Just like the other souls that died unexpectedly they are trapped in the endless loop of unknowing.
Except that they broke their soul, I can’t quite explain this. The soul gets broken into pieces due to suicide, the soul gets split, fragmented and jagged. It falls, and falls, and keeps breaking. If the spirit is lucky enough to realize it has died, it can try to put itself back together, but it will be a long and difficult road.
A call to those who might ever experience the insanity that leads to suicide: it will pass, it will get better, hold on, just hold on. If you have the strength and drive to overcome your own nature and take your life, then trust me, you have the strength to continue.
On the other hand I believe it is something that can also occur during the dark night of the soul. At some point you want to stop being everything you have been, but you don’t know yet what else you could be. This process of ‘death in oneself’ is very difficult, and we may be driven to want to end the physical life as well. Don’t do it, hold on, just keep going.
I wish I could do something to help, if you or someone you know is in danger of committing suicide, I beg you, seek help. Contact me, I can at least lend an ear, I’ll do a reading for you, give you advise, do a healing, teach you about energy and protection. Or just simply, I’ll listen.
All my love,
It was that experience that made me get started on the spiritual path, so in a way it was a good thing, or I would have continued on oblivious as I was before.