I’m allowing myself to feel, I’m allowing myself to feel everything I need to feel. I’m allowing myself to feel love. I’m allowing myself to feel compassion. I’m allowing myself to feel it all, I accept it.
I’ve had several small moments of joy lately. They happen for no reason in particular, just at one moment I will think of my mother and suddenly I feel all her love for me and I’m filled with joy. It is so much and so beautiful that it always brings a tear to my eyes. I’m allowing myself to feel it, I also miss her more, and that is ok. Other times, it just happens spontaneously, without any particular reason, I suddenly feel, in my body a surge, like a gush of happiness from my navel up to my heart and then it bubbles out as a bit of a tear in my eyes.
I suppose this is what it feels like to smile with the liver, like they say in that book ‘eat, pray, love’, it is an internal smile. A smile with my insides, a chuckle, some love and light. It is the grace of the Spirit. I am opening up my heart to the inner smile, it has always been there, I was ignoring it along with all the creepy feelings. When I shut out the bad I also shut out the good. I shut it out of my conscious awareness, but it was always there anyway, in dreams, in my knotted muscles, my clenched jaw.
I braced myself and got ready to open up to perceptions. I prepared for the worst, only to discover that I needed only relax and let nature run its course. I need to relax into myself, I know I can face it now. I was ready for the worst, but I was surprised by the beauty. I wasn´t ready for all the beauty, for the moment of knowing someone, for the beauty of healing, for the beauty of a ray of sunlight, for the beauty of mist. I wasn’t ready for that moment of bliss while walking down the street while running errands. I didn’t know it would be so beautiful.
I wasn’t ready for the empowerment of making my own choices regarding perceptions. It is encouraging and I feel I am beating back the fear that has haunted me for a long time. I wasn’t ready for the beauty of someone else letting me feel their soul in search for their true meaning. I am awed at the beauty I’ve been missing out on. I’m awed at the beautiful emotions that I had rejected along with the bad ones. I am re-evaluating decisions I’ve made in my life, I am deciding I want to make more decisions based on love from now on. I am looking up at the light, I am rising and I want to help others rise with me.