Not for the first time, I feel different. I’ve changed, and I’ve been thinking about creating another identity, another blog, erasing all the old posts on this one and starting again. I have a few different interests now, and I feel unsure about my past posts. I no longer identify myself with them. I want to change, my name, the looks in my page, the posts I’ve written. This is not the first time this has happened, there have been many occasions when I have erased whole texts or diaries I’ve written. Before they didn’t use to be published online, but the concept was the same.
It’s another change, and though I no longer want to identify myself with the split in mes, or with being many, this fits perfectly with the previous pattern. Except a more sensible, positive and seemingly coherent me is in charge. It’s a good change, I feel centered, and I’ve made changes so I act with integrity. Integrity. Integrity meaning telling the same version of my life to everyone involved, doing what I have to do when I have to do it. I want to do it.
I no longer want to stare into the abyss, no longer want to explore the dark sides of my mind, I want to stare at light and beauty. I still love to ‘break’ out of illusions that have been trained into me by social norms. I start to see that I can do that without it being a tortuous way down into the darkest corners of myself, hoping to not go mad in the process, and have enough steel to come back up later. That was my initial approach. I have to say that trying to look at oneself with honesty is a very worthwhile exercise. However, honesty does not have to mean looking only at bad things. So far it has been a blame game on myself, and I want to stress that I take full responsibility for who I am. I take full responsibility for who I am. The bad AND the good. There is also a lot of good in what I’ve built, in where I am. There have been many people who have helped me along to get here, and I’m grateful, I’ve always tried to live up to be worthy of their support. Support only goes so far if the person involved doesn’t cooperate. I’ve cooperated, I’ve put in my part, I’ve decided to be who I am, the face I present to society is something I have decided, worked on, and polished. I am now trying to show more of my self to people who’ve only seen a certain part. Slowly.
Still a long way to go in terms of personal and spiritual development, and that’s ok, exciting even. I want this next period in my life to be about balance. I will not turn my head away from the abyss, I believe in balance, looking at the abyss has enabled me to appreciate both the darkness and coming out of it. I believe that balance lies in contradictions, in conundrums that can not be answered by the rational mind. So, I am embracing both my Luna and my Sol, although now I don’t feel like either of those. I will not change my name, I will continue writing on this blog, though about different topics. Maybe I’ll make some small tweaks here and there, but I’ll keep going here for the sake of continuity.