Once more new year resolutions. Last year’s resolutions didn’t really go well, I feel pained to examine why but I’ll do it anyway. First off I think I had too many resolutions, and though I tried to incorporate a couple to my daily life I didn’t really manage to do everything I wanted to do. (I haven’t even re read the list just now). Second, I started trying everything all at once, perhaps it is best to set a schedule per months of the resolutions, start with less but do it well.
Not everything was negative, I learned to respect the wake up alarm a lot more, I can’t say I always get up on the first ring of the alarm, but now I know I can actually do it and I manage it frequently. Usually when I don’t manage it’s because I went to bed too late, or I’ve been doing too much and not taking enough ‘down time’ in order to regroup and feel rested. So, yay for that one.
Another one I sort of managed was to have a year filled with exercise. Definitely joining the Grotto (caving club) has had a very positive effect on my life. It’s at the same time a social activity, a hobby, and very demanding exercise. I get to flex my muscles both physical and mental (keep calm, have courage). I did amazing things, single rope descents of up to 80 m, both in the dark and over a valley; went canyoning; learned how to snowboard (still working on that one), and started indoor climbing. Now I’m motivated to be in shape in order to be able to take on the next caving challenge. It’s been really a life style change, I’ve slowly bought things for a more outdoorsy life and I’ve taken my friends on long walks outside. That is definitely progress. However, I didn’t manage to do regular exercise, as in a routine that is maintained every week.
About mental discipline at work: had huuuge gaps. I almost lost the entire summer to drooling and irresponsibility. However, the last trimester of the year I did manage to get it together and actually focus on work. Of course, at that point I was super behind on everything, so it was just trying to catch up with backed up work. I took some actions, I changed to a more public desk, before I was in a corner and no one could see my screen so I spent a lot of time idly browsing the internet. I also got involved in a project where I have contact with other people which forced me to get things done well and in time. Another major milestone on this is I realized I’ve been losing a lot of time to what I call ‘shutting down’; at some point almost every day I practically pass out. I get confused, I can’t think, I feel very drowsy and if I go to sleep I can’t wake up for at least 3 or four hours. I started taking it seriously, as something physical rather than something emotional, I’ve been to the doctor, and although he hasn’t yet found anything (we’re testing for sugar problems) I feel good about taking action. I’ve also gained understanding for myself because of that, I’ve observed people and realised that this doesn’t happen to everyone else, I’ve had patience with myself. This year I will focus on finding a solution for this, probably diet related. I’m afraid I haven’t achieved what was expected of me this year, I take responsibility for that, I haven’t lived up to my potential (which is much higher than outward expectations).
About learning a language: It’s been going, I learned a lot, and now I understand a lot although I don’t yet speak it fluently. I had to quit the course during the last trimester of the year because I decided to focus on work. Now I have to decide whether to take the course again, I think I will. So that one has progressed, although not as much as I would have wanted it to.
Eating: not good. Fries, pizza, bread, the works. But my body seems to be putting a stop to it whether I want to or not, I’ve had a lot of digestive issues, I nearly pass out after eating. Really really need to tackle this one, not out of a shallow need to conform to a too thin standard, but out of a need to feel good and have energy to be able to work and exercise. I can’t keep sleeping my life away, or being half awake. I want to have energy and awareness.
Writing creatively hasn’t been happening, but as I work on the blocks in my body dealing with mental issues also happens.
So, resolutions for this year:
1. Form a workout habit, regular exercise as a part of my daily life.
2. Meditation (at least 10 mins a day) – through this one my higher aim is to deal with all the confusion ‘perceptions’ I receive which I don’t understand and try to make something out of it.
3. Be creative: in writing or in drawing or in creating experiments on magnetism (playing with magnets is on my wish list)
4. While at work, work fully with commitment and integrity in order to keep my job.
5. Eat for health and energy.
That’s it for now, there are many more things about myself I would like to work on, but for now I’ll go on to tackle these things. They are all about forming habits and having a certain lifestyle. I’ll definitely continue caving and snowboarding as time permits. As for fun things, this year I would like to take a trip somewhere by myself, a weekend someplace south would be nice. Also for fun I have some little experiments with magnets in mind, nothing too concrete for now, but I think it will develop as I go along.
In terms of men, I rest my case, I’ve been spending too much energy caring/worrying about these boy’s needs. I’ve neglected myself. I need to learn to know myself, I can’t if I’m so spent from all the things I’m up to. For now, for this year at least, I want to be alone. It is liberating to say that. It doesn’t mean that if I meet/re encounter someone wonderful and things flow I’ll turn my back on it. For the moment I just want to be alone without conflicting emotions about one or another man. I need to find my center so I can act with integrity. I’ve been too broken up into me’s acting on their own (still paying rent in two countries, for example). I realized something very important last year about men (and people in general around me). I am very sensitive to other people’s feelings, I feel what people around me feel, I don’t realize it and I get confused what with my own feelings on top of all that. So I try very hard to make people around me feel good, cheery and comfortable. It’s very nice for people around me, but it’s costing me, I absorb their negative energy and keep it. Yes, the man and the boy are now both in love with me, or they think they are, but I am spent. I want to continue to make people around me feel good, but not at my own expense. That dynamic needs to change, which is why I’m including meditation in my list of resolutions for this year. If one of them is a priority, even over exercise it is that one.
So, here the start of another year. Constancy has never been my strength, but I think if I stick to building little habits, I’ll improve on that one step by step.