I’ve been trying to work through some body pain that keeps troubling me. It comes and goes in waves, but most of the time I experience lower back aches, I am unable to have orgasms, and it leeches away at my energy. Through not too regular yoga, I’ve managed to unlock a bit of the back pain, to the point where I realize that the pain is originating from bad posture caused by tight hips, specifically tight psoas on my right side. This unlocking has also caused me to think and face things I try to ignore, such as certain perceptions which I find quite troubling. These are locked in my hips, at least that is where I am starting to work on them.
I am sensitive to vibrations in general, but not in a way that I can really grasp. I hear voices when I´m about to sleep, I see auras, not just of people but of objects (I can´t always grasp the colors just the energies), and I feel other people´s emotions. Now it might all sound exciting but throughout the years it´s been more stress than gift. I don’t get enough ‘information’ to make out a coherent message or knowledge. I battle with immense fear, paralyzing-irrational-and-hope-to-die fear. I have trouble knowing when an emotion comes from me or from someone around me, I get caught in other people’s dramas. I have very vivid dreams, I feel I can’t rest because of so much dream activity. I have on occasion spoken to ´guides´ in dreams but I’ve also met and battled demons (which I believe are aspects of my own personality). Lately I´ve been dreaming that I perform exorcisms. I don´t need to tell you that all this is very intense, and I feel exhausted when I wake up.
In my waking life I mostly try to block out all these things, and to some extent, in periods of time I manage to block it. But it always trickles out, or shows up in dreams, specially when I am closer to my family or my hometown. I now live far away, and though I love my parents I avoid them a lot, I am realizing this as I write. I hate to block them out of my life, they are such good people and they love me and I love them. There are other reasons for our distance of course, none too important.
All this is very troubling because, in terms of religion, I can´t really say I believe in God and the Bible and Jesus in the way it has been presented. I also can´t say that I don’t believe. So I´m at an impasse, I believe and I don´t believe. Every time I feel afraid I resort to prayer, but I think this is more out of conditioning than out of true self aware chosen belief. Other times I think the whole thing is a fairy tale made up to control people and keep them from true self awareness. So this whole spiritual debate and perceptions are very uncomfortable as they keep happening even when I don´t believe in them. Although saying that I don’t believe is a lie. Saying that I do believe is also a lie. I start to get a headache just thinking about it.
Regardless of belief or non belief, when I’ve faced possessed bodies (in dreams) I have called upon higher powers and stood firm even in fear and cast out, battled and banished the evil spirits. Apparently, when one has a good intention one can act in the name of higher powers. I am a bit embarassed even to write the exact words I used, which I don’t now where they came from (probably a film):
‘ I cast you out in the name of Jesus Christ, I am flawed and unworthy but I speak in His name, and He banishes you from this body and this soul’ . It worked. Or I’ve really lost my mind this time, always a possibility. Anyway, tired of living in fear of shadows, I will now try to work on these things I’ve been blocking. It’s a challenge, since I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to block them out for years. I don’t have a living guide (nor a dead one as far as I know), but I think I know what I need to know so I will continue writing to sort out what I do know about magieck (energy that science doesn’t understand) and the spirit world.
I do believe in the spirit world, and that I am a spirit in the body of a woman. So that’s a start.