I made two different lives for myself, they don’t seem to be compatible with each other. I’ve been jumping from one to the other and can’t fully live either, one is a marriage and the other one is the adventurer. The adventurer includes ‘adventuring’ with men; it is not compatible with the marriage life. The big conflict is trying to live both lives at once, and planning others at the same time. All the ‘me’s’ plan their own lives on their own, it used to be small things, like getting lost for a few hours to go to sculpture lessons or philosophy talks. Now it’s big things like planning to have a married life in one country, work in another country, and family in yet another one. The logistics are solvable, but the real problem is the split in plans, I keep making double and triple plans. I want to live them all. I get upset when one plan interferes with the other as they are inevitably bound to do. I live in an endless conflict of my own making.
Like I said, logistics are solvable, the real issue is the split in personalities. I’ve solved the logistics a few times over and then I unsolve them again. I moved away from my man to live my single life, I brought him over to where I was living to live the ‘together’ life. I moved away again, I moved back again. Currently I’m in a ‘moved away’ face, but now I’m seeking to bring him over. I’m only stopping because I SAW myself and the awful circle I live in. I have to somehow break the circle in order to move on, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, as long as I pick with integrity. I can’t pick, I pick one and change, I pick the other one and change, I go back and then change again. There is no integrity in being split.
Every time I make a choice I am fully convinced that it is the ‘right’ choice, ‘for real’ this time, only to change again a couple of months later. Now I’m afraid to decide because I know I’ll just change again. I’m stuck in between myselves.
The same applies for jobs, ‘I want an intellectual job’, ‘I don’t want an intellectual job, I want something hands on’, ‘ I want to work with people’, ‘I don’t want to work with people’…..it never ends…jobs, however, are not quite as ultimately transcendental as the personal life, they can come and go and that’s ok. I know I will change trades many times in my life and that is ok; but while one is going on I need to do it fully and with integrity, not only on the days when I am being the person that wanted that job.
How can I live ‘all’ of me when the ‘me s’ are in conflict with each other? how can we find integrity? how to live one life to the fullest?
What I’m doing now, these double lives, they are all half lives, always something missing. I’ve always thought it is something outside of myself (specifically a man), but it is not, it is having ‘me’ fully what is missing. I have and I don’t have. One me has a boyfriend and the other one doesn’t. The poor boy, it’s amazing he’s put up with me through all this. The me that loves him is really hurting, that me just wants to disappear. The others are missing something, they miss having the one that’s hurting. There’s no living like this.