Double Lives

I made two different lives for myself, they don’t seem to be compatible with each other. I’ve been jumping from one to the other and can’t fully live either, one is a marriage and the other one is the adventurer. The adventurer includes  ‘adventuring’ with men; it is not compatible with the marriage life. The big conflict is trying to live both lives at once, and planning others at the same time. All the ‘me’s’ plan their own lives on their own, it used to be small things, like getting lost for a few hours to go to sculpture lessons or philosophy talks. Now it’s big things like planning to have a married life in one country, work in another country, and family in yet another one. The logistics are solvable, but the real problem is the split in plans, I keep making double and triple plans. I want to live them all. I get upset when one plan interferes with the other as they are inevitably bound to do. I live in an endless conflict of my own making.

Like I said, logistics are solvable, the real issue is the split in personalities. I’ve solved the logistics a few times over and then I unsolve them again. I moved away from my man to live my single life, I brought him over to where I was living to live the ‘together’ life. I moved away again, I moved back again. Currently I’m in a ‘moved away’ face, but now I’m seeking to bring him over. I’m only stopping because I SAW myself and the awful circle I live in. I have to somehow break the circle in order to move on, there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ path, as long as I pick with integrity. I can’t pick, I pick one and change, I pick the other one and change, I go back and then change again. There is no integrity in being split.

Every time I make a choice I am fully convinced that it is the ‘right’ choice, ‘for real’ this time, only to change again a couple of months later. Now I’m afraid to decide because I know I’ll just change again. I’m stuck in between myselves.

The same applies for jobs, ‘I want an intellectual job’,  ‘I don’t want an intellectual job, I want something hands on’, ‘ I want to work with people’, ‘I don’t want to work with people’… never ends…jobs, however, are not quite as ultimately transcendental as the personal life, they can come and go and that’s ok. I know I will change trades many times in my life and that is ok; but while one is going on I need to do it fully and with integrity, not only on the days when I am being the person that wanted that job.

How can I live ‘all’ of me when the ‘me s’ are in conflict with each other? how can we find integrity? how to live one life to the fullest?

What I’m doing now, these double lives, they are all half lives, always something missing. I’ve always thought it is something outside of myself  (specifically a man), but it is not, it is having ‘me’ fully what is missing. I have and I don’t have. One me has a boyfriend and the other one doesn’t. The poor boy, it’s amazing he’s put up with me through all this. The me that loves him is really hurting, that me just wants to disappear. The others are missing something, they miss having the one that’s hurting. There’s no living like this.


2 thoughts on “Double Lives

  1. “I made two different lives for myself, they don’t seem to be compatible with each other.”

    Half the problem is solved in noticing it fully. It’s hard work figuring out where to truly ‘be’ in life. Logistics is part of it. A secondary part of it. The heart can pull this way and that. So it seems to come down to an integrity of mind, thought, intention. ‘Character’ perhaps. Deciding on ‘who to be.’ I remember feeling so despairing when my relationships kept ending. And I figured out that common denominator every time, was ‘me.’ Although it was tough to stop and work on ‘me’ and I had to accept responsibility fully (I won’t call it blame and fault) it actually made it easier to stop everything else and commit fully to myself and my healing. Not that it is easy to look at myself so deeply and it is very hard work to heal. It was just easier than blowing this way or that in whichever direction the wind chose. True love waits. Sounds like you’re in the middle of taking a really serious look at yourself. That’s truly courageous. I remember after taking stock of all my faults, I took some time to think of all the qualities I really wanted to be mine. Then I had something to practice, and work on ‘becoming.’ I had to give myself some slack. It is hard to build character and it takes time. Maybe it would be good to balance the ‘hard look’ at yourself, with a list of the things you (or others) really like about you already. (Not just things you do, also qualities of character.) Lots of love to you, keep chin up! Jessie

    • Half the problem is solved in noticing it fully.

      That much is true, I’ve noticed it, though how ‘fully’ I’ve noticed it remains to be seen. Now, how to break out of it.
      Maybe I will try to write the things I like about myself, though at this very moment it seems pointless to do so. Going through a bit of a slump, just have to push through it and muscle my way up.
      Thanks for the encouragement, and lots of love to you too,

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