The heartbreaker

Today a day of confession, admitting the hard truths. I’m not going to try to justify any of it, it just is what it is, whatever the cause, I take full responsibility for who I am, who I’ve been and who I will be. Anything I’ve done, I’ve done out of my own free will.

I’m a player, I manipulate, I think it’s a game to manipulate people. I’m playing a nasty game with people, I enjoy it, and what’s more I think they deserve it for not paying attention. It’s obvious to see if you pay attention, those who pay attention don’t fall into it. No one really pays attention. Mainly, I manipulate men, but I also manipulate my family, and to a lesser extent my friends who are girls. I have the power to influence minds, I observe people and determine the best way to get to them, and use it to my advantage. I don’t even suggest things to people, I plant little seeds of ideas in their heads, and suddenly what I wanted ‘is their idea’. To be able to win at this game I am always willing to lose. From time to time I try to give advice, but have decided to cut back on that one as advice is dangerous and, who am I to know what’s best for someone else?

small voice: not all of us enjoy manipulating…we also get hurt in the process…we also get manipulated…

I lie, I have no problems lying, often it comes easier than the truth. It’s part of the manipulative process. I have lied, I have betrayed, I have cheated, I have deceived….others and myself.

I am proud, I think I am right, I KNOW I am right. Everyone else is wrong, or they just don’t get it… I really believe this. In some corner of my mind I see that this must be a delusion, but I really believe it. I’m selfish, I look only after myself.

I’m lazy, I’ve talked about that before. It comes with the having ease to remember things.

I am a bit sexually twisted. I watch porn,the porn in itself is not the problem (though it is demeaning for women), I don’t even watch it too much, maybe an hour a week or less. The problem is the type of porn I enjoy. I watch ladies getting tied up and gang banged in any which way, I enjoy it. I especially enjoy it if they cry.  Secretly, I think that’s the only way I could ever experience an orgasm during sex. I’m staring down that road and deciding not to follow it, it’s tempting, it’s alluring, it’s calling my name. But no. And if that means no pleasure , well then no pleasure. (I’ve stopped watching porn recently as part of my self-abstinence quest).

I’m an avoider of confrontations, with others and myself. This is related to being lazy, I think, and tied into the lying and manipulating.

I’m a stressy-hunch-shouldered-jaw-grinder. No matter what I do my body aches in stress, I’ve chipped three teeth already grinding my jaw at night. I’m cynical and sarcastic, cold.

I live in a haze of thought, in the sphere of half formed dreams and fantasies, living and reliving snitches of unreality. Trapped in my thoughts, trapped in my mind. My mind is not my own.

I’m heartbroken. I am a heart breaker.

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3 thoughts on “The heartbreaker

  1. WOW! That is impressive. I love the honesty. I am already wondering what would happen if I started my own confession…. I may do that soon!
    Love as always,
    Jessie

    • Thanks, but now I see it I don’t know what I was thinking publishing that…. a bit embarrassed…might make it private soon. :S
      Those are all the things I recognize I am but I would like to improve on. There are a couple more, but I would not like to improve on those so I didn’t include them…interesting thought….

      • It sure does take courage baring the soul to public view. I used to watch porn, it is addictive. So, good on you for adding it to the ‘self-abstinence’ month. I wish you all the best. It takes some time before the images fade from the mind. And in fact it seems that they never really do completely vanish. After some time I found they became not so intrusive. The odd thing is that I found the porn related to the trauma I experienced. In particular the part that was confusing sexually. Thing is, the memories of the trauma are all accessible in a kind of ‘movie format’ when time and space are given to process them and heal. And when processed, I have found that the whole problem of orgasm seems to have solved. I really believe it has been solved. I hope this becomes the case for you also.

        I read back through your post to confirm, and found that No, I would not have guessed any of your faults through what I’ve read about you so far. Takes courage and honesty to admit the hard truths and work on improving. I must do a list for myself, there are always improvements to make.

        Jessie.

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