– Got up on the first ring of the alarm at 8am
– Solved a problem with a program at work, glorious concentration once more
– Studied language
– Went for a run in the evening
I feel like I´m back. I can think once again, and I´m excited about all my little day to day goals. After a period of a few months that involved a lot of sleeping, some crying, a lot of alone time and plenty of thinking, I feel like I´m ready to take on the world. Personal life is still not solved, there are still problems, but little by little if I can train my mind to do my bidding I think things will turn around. The ´retreat´ time was necessary and it served a function, it was like regrouping, restocking and recovering. Energy comes and goes and it´s good to recognize periods when it wanes in order to do things to refuel it instead of depleting it.
I´ve overcome a BIG mental hurdle. I realize I´ve spent hours trying to convince people, and myself, about how my problems are inevitable and there is absolutely no way to solve them. Saying things like ´I just can´t get up in the morning, it´s a low blood pressure thing´, ´I can´t focus, I´ve always had an attention disorder´, and the worst one (still not solved) ´I just don´t enjoy sex…see, it was bad´. Saying things like that is like setting up self-fulfilling prophecies, if you don´t think you can then you can`t. Words are powerful, I must be careful to voice out my opinions more carefully, and ultimately think more carefully. My concrete action on that one is trying to control my first thought of the day when the alarm rings in the morning. Little things like that can go a long way.
In the dutch language the word for ´word´ can also be a verb ´worden´ which means `becoming`, and it is considered a synonym of the verb ´to be´. I think it´s very appropriate, for you become what you speak; there is ancient knowledge hidden in language.
So now, I want to decide what I want my first thought of the day to be. It´s very important, and it must touch my soul. I´m unsure about this, I have a few ideas but I need to think about it some more, any suggestions?