Contradictions

Ready for some sleepy time, but I made the purpose to write everyday so here I am.

State of things:

-Woke up at 8 am on the first ring of the alarm, did not go running.

-Went for a swim after work, did 1K  in 33 minutes.

-There was some wasted time at work, mainly related to when I put my headphones on and listened to some music that makes me emotional. Got a grip on myself and managed to get some more work done, almost all of what I wanted to do for today. Will have to work tomorrow to finish the rest, a couple of hours should do it.

Today, at the pool, I felt like I started breathing again after a long period of only half breathing. The exercise forces the lungs to open up, I feel like a big weight is lifting from my chest and I can breathe more freely. Definitely looking forward to the next swim, I probably can’t go to the pool again until Tuesday, but perhaps I can do a run tomorrow.

There are many topics on my mind tonight that I would like to write about. I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage and babies, partly due to a post on a friend’s blog. I’ve never really felt the ‘call’ to have children, I don’t know what to make of it. I’ve been of course thinking about my man that I love and don’t love at the same time. I miss him, I’m mourning the loss of him, wondering if it really has to be this way. He’d want to have babies, it’s also why I’m thinking about that. I don’t daydream about him, I don’t think about  him too much, but his shadow is always with me.  It’s a comfort to have his shadow always with me. Ohh I miss him.

I still don’t want to have sex with him, but I miss him for the person that he is. This conflict is tearing me apart. I love him beyond the physical, it’s so special, and yet without the physical it can’t be a relationship. I hate him when we have to have intercourse, he’s willing to continue the relationship even without sex (for a time), but I don’t think it’s fair to either one of us.  I do want to have sex, I still think sexually of the boy, the sexy boy, ohh yes we want him but only for the physical part; we think he is a bit boring beyond his delicious skin. Soft, golden, warm skin, covering powerful tight muscles that speak of coiled strength. I am drawn to him, I long for his scent and his warmth.

I am torn, I am in bits and pieces, and all my bits seem to be pulling in different directions. There is no end to this. I just want to not be so stressed for a few hours, I want to stop feeling the pain in my shoulders, the pain in my locked jaw, the pain in my lower back. I hurt and it’s all stress and there is no end to it. I’ve even thought about smoking weed, that would make the hurts go away for a while; but I know it’s not the answer because then I feel like I can’t relax unless I smoke and it fuddles my thoughts. Makes my mind feel like it’s full of mud. That’s not a good option.

Maybe I’ll splurge and pay for a massage, but I feel weird with a stranger touching me. I just want to not be in pain and to really rest. sigh….‘There will be no rest for the weary’.

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