I´m writing this out of self respect, I need to keep to my very-low-standard new year´s resolution of writing for 10 days. I was thinking about what to write and everything seemed too hard, too long, or too emotional for right this minute. I almost wrote about avoidance, but I think I need to get to the root of all my failed plans. I´m lazy, I´ll admit it. It´s not lack of motivation, it´s not the overwhelming situations, it´s plain old laziness. True, situations can be overwhelming, I went through big changes this year, but I am where I wanted to be, I have the flexible schedule I always wanted to have, and plenty of activities that interest me. Overall, when I describe it all together I think I like my life (there are a few problems, but that´s just due to being alive), but then the hard part comes, the drawling moment to moment.
I need to get over myself and just stop being so lazy. I´ve always been like this, so it´s not a place or situation thing, it´s a me thing. I´ve spent years and years making excuses for my laziness:
-If I made more money I would be more motivated to work
– I don´t like the city I´m in so I´m not motivated to do anything.
-Really, it´s not laziness, it´s lack of motivation.
-If I had more time I would, work out, paint, learn a language, volunteer for charity….
I have to look at my life and be honest with myself, all of the above are mere excuses. In fact, I´ve made an effort to ´remedy´ all those things, applied for scholarships to study so I could get a better job. Got the scholarships, got the degrees, got the job, moved city, managed to have a flexible schedule…and yet, I still struggle to get up in the morning. Don´t be deceived by the apparent accomplishments of degrees and such, for me studying is not overly hard. I have to sit down and do it, but I think that people put in a lot more effort to get the same results I get. It´s really lame to admit this but I get by on a ´minimum effort´ policy. So far, my ´minimum effort´ seems to be enough, but I can only imagine what I could achieve if only I gave it my all. I don´t even know what ´my all´ looks like, I´ve never done it consistently.
Yes, motivation is tied into the drive to do things, but that drive to do things also comes with the actual doing of things. It´s a classic ´the chicken or the egg´ problem, what comes first: doing things or motivation? I think they fuel each other, but I need to start somewhere, and that is making myself do things even if I don´t feel like it. Deep down I want to run every day, but on the moment to moment I´d just rather stay in bed with a good book, or online reading some blogs.
Today I woke up at 8.00 am, on the first ring of the alarm, didn´t go running, half the battle was won.
Action is life.