Secrets

I am having trouble writing more posts because of several reasons. One of them, and the biggest one, is that I don’t want anyone I know to read this blog and know that I am writing it. So, that limits the extent of what I can write so that my life doesn’t filter into here. Second, I am so tired of keeping secrets, I’ve always kept secrets from everyone I love, and this blog is just another secret if I don’t want to let people I know read it.

The reason I don’t want people I know to read this is because I’ve kept many secrets over the years. I don’t want them to ever find out, and much less through a blog. I’ve kept secrets of sexual experiences as a child, secrets of suicide plans (I’ve never really had the intention of carrying them out, but the plan was there, just in case), secrets of fantasies, secrets of…. I’ve kept some secrets from other secrets, I’ve kept secrets from myself. I’ve even forgotten some of the secrets I’ve kept.

Even this I feel is more than I can say. Writing is such a release though, I feel like I need it. However, I don’t know whether I’ll continue to post here since I don’t want to start something big and have it be yet another secret I keep from the people in my life.

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5 thoughts on “Secrets

  1. Hi Luna Sol, Hey I have trouble with the anonymity too. I do it for legal reasons really, to protect the identities of others who may be affected when I disclose my story. I can’t say whether I’m very good at being anonymous.

    My life isn’t really filtered out of my writing I suppose. I guess I treat it as though everyone knows who I am, and who everyone else is, anyway. On a spiritual level, I believe and have experienced that God can hide things from people, or reveal things to people. So I trust that what I write will reach those who need to read it, and won’t reach those who do not.

    I remember reaching a point where I knew I had to get rid of secrets and much to some people’s embarassment I just started talking about everything openly and honestly.

    Surprising how it just opens up doors for me to find others with similar experiences, or others who have been able to help with things. And I discovered that somehow, the shame of certain secrets just dissolves when it comes out into the light.

    Must say, that certain people find it hard to cope with some of the things I experienced. These secrets only came out after the ‘easier’ ones. Finding you and all the others on Faith’s blog from all over the world has been very supportive. I haven’t found the same thing in person locally.

    • I’ve just always kept secrets, and they are things that would harm my family, and I see no use in doing that after all these years. So, from an age before words, I learned to keep quiet about certain things. Now it is just something I do, it’s like a cycle that repeats again and again. And this blog is just more of the same, an even bigger split, I have an internet persona that is again different from my daily self. I don’t know how healthy that is. Although I feel the urge to write, to write, to just let it out; and yet I can not, I can not even cry when I feel like it. Sometimes I ‘know’ I feel bad, but I can’t ‘feel’ bad. The feelings are just not at the surface, and it goes both ways, I don’t feel bad but I don’t feel good either. I’m cold.

      • Luna Sol,
        I’m sorry I missed this comment from ages back. Hey, I know that my writing is completely different from my talking. So I’m thinking, does it matter if your internet persona is different from your daily self? I just go ahead and write how I write, and think of it as just another part of me. My writing is so different, that when I joined a company where a written proposal was required, the bosses called me in an interrogated me to try to find out if it really was me who wrote it!
        Jessie

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